Since I quit my job, and been diagnosed, it’s been a boring life.
(expect for my mood swings. OH NO! Here comes one NOW! DUCK!)
I guess I’m kind of making life and my relationship boring. Since I have no money and no chances to do much, it’s been sitting in front of the TV every night, thinking of things I should and want to be doing. Am I ruining my relationship?
My fiance is very kind. He will just sit with me and not really complain about much. If I want to go out, we will go out. If I want to stay in, we’d stay in. I cried the other night (out of no where, mind you) because I told him I can’t be the leader anymore. I couldn’t come up with new things for us to do. Since I’ve been diagnosed with BP, I feel that I’ve dropped the torch. My extreme happy moments are fueled by mania, and then after that I’m extremely depressed. There is no middle, and that makes for a douche date.
I want to do every idea inside of me – for him. I want our life to be exciting and fun. I want to go out and walk, or go to the movies, a nice dinner, sky-diving, mud wrestling, running, conferences, traveling, and loving life. I want to be able to wake up and have something amazing set in front of me.
This sucks to say, but….I can’t. It isn’t because I don’t want to, it’s because this won’t let me. Right now.
Right now, I’m still learning about this evil face I have, hidden behind my dreams. If I start something now, all I will be doing is letting it die after my mania. Getting people’s get their hopes up. Hell, I don’t know what’s going to happen to this blog after the mania.
The mania can kiss my ass. But, I need you…bad. I need you because you make me feel like old me again. You make me have these cool, crazy ideas. You make me feel good, even if I know its fake. Though, it’s not helping me with my relationship I have to get active and take my ACTION!
Today, with no money, my fiance and I will do something that we have never done before. We will go out and have fun! Wish us luck. Hopefully no one comes in and makes me mad…
You won’t like it when I GET MAD!!