what a blog.
what a cool tool for myself and people out there to read and relate. I still get emails asking me to help spread the word and bring people to resources and help and hope.
ugh.
where did the time go?
I don’t want to let anyone down but would I be right to say I don’t have the time to continue this blog? Would I be wrong to say I can’t?
i just read somewhere that having anger or sad feelings are a normal part of life and that having them shouldn’t make you feel so extreme because they are there and will always be there! You also shouldn’t worry about getting rid of them because they are a normal part of the brain and life.
Follow me?!?
Maybe My brain is telling me something is coming? Or that something needs to be done. It is right! Something need to be done but not with my feelings, with my life. I don’t know how I’m going to do it but my anger has to be a sign for something inside or out of myself.
I wonder if my mediciation has changed my anger in anyway?
I’m thinking about stopping it…
Hmmm…
So am I
Still Waiting
For this world
To STOP HATING.
I sing this song when i’m angry.
I’m angry
Right now, in this moment, I feel dread and uncertainty comes over me. I walked into my ex-job to sign my resignation forms and when I left I felt….blah.
It could be because I have been smoking and drinking. I have been using marijuana. I have not been taking my medication. I have really been fucking up all the good that I’ve gained… and for what? NOTHING.
This always happens to me. I get on track, I hate being on the track, I leave the track. I’m depressed about my being on track.
UGH UGH UGH!
What is wrong with me? This isn’t mental illness. This is a curse.
So I recently decided to make healthy changes for my body. I am eating right.
I didn’t sat working out… Oh no…I’m not that committed yet…(haha)
But I am watching what I eat. Keeping a food journal, smaller portions, you know. All though recently I was reading DIETING FOR DUMMIES and in one of the passages they talk about carbs being comfort food, but then they said something that kind of hit home…
“But pasta isn’t Prozac”
UGH!!!!! WHY??!?
Why do I feel so UGH about that passage? Is it because I’M ON PROZAC? I have always been a semi-sensitive person but really…a book that has nothing to do with mental illness…
I just am really feeling injustice when people talk about mental health or meds or weight or anything insulting or vague. I feel like I’m the cheerleader for our minds and bodies, but I have yet to come out with who I am or tell people that I have a mental illness.
Does that make me a poser??
If I were a poser wouldn’t Batman and other superheroes be? They are fighting bad guys in costumes, I’m behind a computer screen…
This is how I am feeling right now.
Who’s with me?
I am so angry right now, at everyone and everything.
Before, when I got angry I’d just spill it all out and say things I didn’t mean, and do things I really didn’t want to do. I had no control. Now, my angry seems almost serial killer like.
No, I’m not going to kill, but I just feel empty. I feel like an empty angry shell. I don’t really want to be angry, but I’m always playing the bigger person. I always play the its okay role, and then two seconds I’m back to the outgoing-nothing-is-wrong girl. This time, my angry is a slow toxic gas that waits to fill up the room until it kills you.
I haven’t said much to my husband or friends or myself in a couple of days. I haven’t really had any motivation to do anything other than eat, shit, sleep.
What am I to do about this? How do o release it? Exercise? Mediation? Food? I don’t want to do any of those, and there is no heat in my house, so moving around is a hell no.
I am one tough cookie to crack. I know more about myself than a fucking stranger. What is really bothering me!?
Mentally Ill Are Often Locked Up In Jails That Can’t Help
Well whst else are you going to do with the mentally illed?
Leave them on the streets? Put them into shelters? Group homes?
HOW ABOUT HELP THEM?! How about start something where these people can go, get help, get on track, make sure they are doing well, and then release them. HELP! HELP!
The four letter word most people don’t know about when it comes to the mentally illed. It sucks to think that they are sitting in a place, they don’t belong, because society doesn’t know what to do with them..
WITH US!
How can we change this? How can we make this right and bring these people the care they need? UGH!
I have no answers other than… train good people, who REALLY care, and bring them into those jails.
……
Why?
I have no idea! No idea! Why aren’t there people under 30 trying to make a change for mental health patients all over the world? Is mental health issues really that underground? Are mental health bloggers all we got in this fight?
Time to turn that around.
Any idea of how we can bring this fight closer to reality, and global??
I lost my job today and I’m semi upset about it.
I’m upset because I have to find another job, and that’s hard because there are no jobs.
I’m upset because I can’t find a decent job until the marijuana has disappeared from my system, which takes a month.
I’m upset because I’m about to go on meds, and I didn’t want to find a job until I was settled into that.
I’m upset because losing a job is always stressful and upsetting.
I don’t want to do the whole WOE IS ME thing, but damn damn damn damn.
Damn.
Health law may not broaden access to mental treatment
“The Affordable Care Act requires insurers to cover mental health care just as they do physical care, but a new study shows only half of psychiatrists accept insurance”
What? Are you kidding me? Just kick us while were heading down. I thought that Obamacare was suppose to help us…now doctor’s aren’t even accepting it!?
What a crock of shit.
Who are these people making these decisions? Are they even consulting mental illness patients?
GRR!
Right now, I’m feeling mixed. There is nothing really wrong me with, but there is. I feel pulled in two different directions with my mind.
I didn’t start feeling like this until later on in the day, after I got some errands ran. Afterwards, I felt ugh and low, but not depressed. Not until my husband came home from work did I really start to feel bad. He came in in a rare mood – he was irritable and moody, but made my mood worse. He just doesn’t understand what its like for me, to deal with this everyday. I try to tell him how I feel, but every time I do he stops me and says ‘Oh, I know what your going to say’ and ‘You always say this when you get depressed’. Soon, there might not be ME to talk to you. I might actually lose it and then what…
How can I stop this heavy blanket of shit from falling all over me. I tried to so mindfulness. I tried to focus my thoughts onto something else, but got pulled under before it even made a different.
Anger, depression, sadness, feeling like I HAVE to be doing something more. All of these feelings run through me 24/7. I wake up because of it. I get high because of it. I blog because of it. It seems like the only real thing I have are these feelings..
the only real thing..
Co-workers are the worst.
I mean, mines aren’t really THAT bad, but when you have a undisclosed mental illness plus co-workers under the age of 20-21, it can get kind of annoying.
I really try not to show my angry at work. I lie everyday and become something I’m not, just so I can get through the night, without looking like a super bitch.
As many jobs as I’ve had, I don’t understand why people liked me. Yeah, i’m reliable, cool, unique and trustworthy, but I’m not nice, and/or at all interested in their lives because I’m so wrapped up in mines.
What do you think? How do you handle co-workers at your job?
How am I feeling?
Shitty.
How are you?
I woke up 2 hours ago, mad. Mad at my husband for turning on the heat in the middle of the night. I literally woke him out of sleep to yell at him. Now, I’m still so mad I can’t go back to sleep..
What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just let things go? My mind feel so tight right now, like I’m about to get a killer headache.
Why can’t I ever sleep through the night without waking up because I’m congested or mad?
Oh, I know why!
MENTAL FUCKING FUCK YOU ILLNESS!! AARRRRRRRRGGHHHH!!!!!!!
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Bipolar, Unemployed & Lost 