Oh geez, is that a rant?

I have tried to write a freakin blog post for about two days and I haven’t been able to.

I don’t want to keep writing about how much this sucks and I don’t want to start something and stop again. Mental illness is such a hard topic to blog about because when you are smack dab in the middle of it yourself, it gets lost.

I brought back my site address www.bipolarunemployedlost.com because I know people suffering in the now are still finding this site. Whether if it started about me, things have changed.

I again, I feel like shit. My mind is running. I got too much energy and give it away too quickly, leaving me with nothing. I feel hard and emotionless.

im everywhere but nothing is moving

Bipolar,Unemployed & Lost

what a blog.

what a cool tool for myself and people out there to read and relate. I still get emails asking me to help spread the word and bring people to resources and help and hope.

ugh.

where did the time go?

I don’t want to let anyone down but would I be right to say I don’t have the time to continue this blog? Would I be wrong to say I can’t?

 

Gone, but NOT forgotten!

Hello BP world. I’m back…and IM MARRIED!

YAY to me! YAY to such a world wind of events that have stopped me from blogging, but now I’m back and better than ever. I have so much to catch you up on, and I hope you have some stuff for me.

First thing is first… MY BIPOLAR HAS DISAPPEARED!!

NO, seriously. I haven’t had an episode, a craving, a low moment, a high moment… I haven’t had anything to worry about! Isn’t that super? Don’t you just want me to rub you so you can get this NO BIPOLAR thing too?! Well, sadly, it doesn’t work like that, does it? It will pop its ugly head right back into my life, and I am not excited about it.

Good news is, I will have health insurance by the end of Oct, and I WILL be getting myself some help. I also have stop smoking, I started swimming for exercise, and I’ve started lying to myself. I’m lying because I’m telling myself that the worst is over… but its not.

I’m not ready to deal with my BP again, but i’m excited to get it under control and monitored.

ENOUGH ABOUT ME!! YOU YOU YOU! How are you?

I’m working!! And I’m Manic.

I’m finally working!

I’m working as a housekeeper at a large hotel. A hotel that has a very large water park and lots of kids! (Sacre bleu!!) I’m really excited to be working and making some money, at least. The bad thing about it all is that I think I’m in my manic phase. I’m feeling really sexual, I’m conducting behaviors that seem irrational.

I feel good though, but it’s not the kind of good that I need right now.

How are you?

Robert De Niro cares about US!

Robert De Niro breaks down in tears during TV interview about mental illness themes in ‘Silver Lining Playbook’

Thank you Robert DeNiro. You, and the cast of Silver Linings Playbook for putting a celebrity face awareness to mental illnesses. You getting emotional only means, to me, that you have suffered or loved someone who has suffered from a mental illness. I hope you come out and tell us, so we can have another warrior in this fight.

Fight on, my friends!

Running

My mind is running so bad.

Lately, it’s been running twice it’s normal. I think it’s because I have something important coming up. I have a job interview today, and I’m really REALLY nervous about it. I need this job. Not just for me, but for my family and the immediate future. I just can’t stop thinking.

Yesterday, I couldn’t even do anything because my mind wanted to do a million things. When I get like that, I just don’t do anything at all. I rather do nothing, then start and stop. Like now, I got online not to make a post but to look at clothes, check Facebook, start a 2013 want to do/ need to do list, look up the company for my interviews, and more..more…

Why is this a symptom of BP? Couldn’t there be something else. Couldn’t it make me bark like a dog? or EXPLODE!

Ugh.

This merry-go-round is killing me.

Marbles

The book that has helped me is Marbles by Ellen Forney. This was the first book I bought after my diagnoses. It helped me because it made me realize that my condition was real. Not just for me, but for other people too. Also, its a Graphic Novel! So no words! That helps when I get scatterbrained and..wait, did I forget something in the…oh no, come back, come back.  🙂

D-E-N-I-A-L, you ain’t got no alibi, you ugly!

Now that this is REAL, isn’t BP everyone?

I’ve been having doubts. Definite doubts about “this thing” I have. I know I can’t go back from why I’ve started this blog, but…

but…

Doesnt’ everyone have this? Being angry and depressed in one day. Days where they feel good and abundant with energy. Periods of aggravation  anger, and head-turning. I don’t want to put myself in a box. Can I call it a box? Why are there so many questions that I cant answer? Lately, I’ve been feeling like my mind is so cluttered that I can’t put it down into words, and the first thing I want to write about is denial. Because that is what this is. Denial.

Ugh, what am I even saying?

This is tough… 😦

The hills are alive, with the sounds of Mania!

Since I quit my job, and been diagnosed,  it’s been a boring life.

(expect for my mood swings. OH NO! Here comes one NOW! DUCK!)

I guess I’m kind of making life and my relationship boring. Since I have no money and no chances to do much, it’s been sitting in front of the TV every night, thinking of things I should and want to be doing. Am I ruining my relationship?

My fiance is very kind. He will just sit with me and not really complain about much. If I want to go out, we will go out. If I want to stay in, we’d stay in. I cried the other night (out of no where, mind you) because I told him I can’t be the leader anymore. I couldn’t come up with new things for us to do.  Since I’ve been diagnosed with BP, I feel that I’ve dropped the torch. My extreme happy moments are fueled by mania, and then after that I’m extremely depressed. There is no middle, and that makes for a douche date.

I want to do every idea  inside of me – for him. I want our life to be exciting and fun. I want to go out and walk, or go to the movies, a nice dinner, sky-diving, mud wrestling, running, conferences, traveling, and loving life. I want to be able to wake up and have something amazing set in front of me.

This sucks to say, but….I can’t. It isn’t because I don’t want to, it’s because this won’t let me. Right now.

Right now, I’m still learning about this evil face I have, hidden behind my dreams. If I start something now, all I will be doing is letting it die after my mania. Getting people’s get their hopes up. Hell, I don’t know what’s going to happen to this blog after the mania.

The mania can kiss my ass.   But, I need you…bad.  I need you because you make me feel like old me again. You make me have these cool, crazy ideas. You make me feel good, even if I know its fake.  Though, it’s not helping me with my relationship I have to get active and take my ACTION!

Today, with no money, my fiance and I will do something that we have never done before. We will go out and have fun! Wish us luck. Hopefully no one comes in and makes me mad…

You won’t like it when I GET MAD!!

Goodtimes

Finally I feel good.

But watch out. This is only a mirage. A show. An act. I am an Leo, acting is in the blood. I’m always weary when I wake up feeling good because that means that today can go two ways:

1. I feel good, then something turns me around and I become RAMBO, again..

2. I can feel good. Daydream about unrealistic things all day, and think I can do it all. Start about 50 projects that I will never finish, and not care because on having a good day!!

Days like this I want drive away. I want to move and go when I feel like this. This energy that I have balled up makes me feel invincible and motivated. Is this the time to take ACTION?, or do I know the patterns? What comes next is pain, sadness, and depression.

One thing that contributioning to my happiness today is that I got a call from an employer that I really want, and they are calling for interviews next week! Woo hoo! There is money and opportunities I the air! I want to run with these colors of these winds. I want to fly into this new opportunity.

Mania, calm down, but I can’t, I must do more.

Fight or flight, people.

Posted from a woman on the go

Don’t panic, I’m just MANIC

““A little nonsense, now and then, is relished by the wisest men” – Willy Wonka (1971)

What does it mean to be in a ‘Mania’ phase? (prepare for a something long..)

According to WedMd:

“If you have three or more of the mania symptoms below most of the day — nearly every day — for one week or longer, you may be having a manic episode of bipolar disorder:

• Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
• Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile
• Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep
• Rapid talk, talkativeness
• Distractibility
• Racing thoughts
• High sex drive
• Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans
• Tendency to show poor judgment, such as impulsively deciding to quit a job
• Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity — unrealistic beliefs in one’s ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional
• Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)”

BOO-YAH! I drop some knowledge on you! Harvarrrdd!

I ask you, where’s the bad at? Where is the part where I go ‘oh no! please not the mania phase! Anything but that!!’, but I guess the bad thing about it is, this side doesn’t last, and soon will come dark times. Its not like I can perform super forever.

To tell you the truth, I don’t know what my Mania phase is. I’m always angry, moody, irritated  distracted, make awesome GRAND plans, mood swings, and restless thoughts.

What is that called WedMd, huh?, Mister-BIG-site?!? who do you think you are…

When I feel like this, I feel invincible. That I can do whatever I want, when ever I want, but I think I’m not only bringing myself into this Mania fog, I’m bringing my fiance. He’s the kind of person to go along with me, to make me feel like what I’m doing is right. God bless him, but I need to get a hold of this, so we’re both stable.

Now, that I have finally been given a face to a demon that probably been with me for a long time, how do I handle it? How can I get through this phase when I know dumps-ville is right around the corner. It’s genetic right? Or is my mind making this all up?

Well…CHEERS! here’s to MANIA, and all its ugly faces.

At least I’ll get shit done.

Want to read up on Mania, visit the WedMd page, but remember that isn’t a doctor. Visit your local therapist for more info. http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/hypomania-mania-symptoms