so

i told my son tonight that i wont be like my mother. i wont tell him im going to stop and not stop. drug aren’t good for me. not good for my son…

no hard drugs – pleeaassseee but marijuana. im still using this drug mindlessly becsuse i think i need it. i dont need it anymore. i dont need my mind to float i need it to stay and look at my son.

look at my life.

i have been feeling really powerless lately. been crying and laughing really weirdly.

how did i end up exactly at the same spot i was?

because i never really did shit.

 

hello again. my name is OHTEMP, and this is Bipolar, Employed & STILL LOST.

The wheels on the bus go round and round

Yesterday I realized that my family will throw me under the bus very VERY quickly.

I won’t go into detail about what happened, but I will say that my grandmother and mother are very mean, evil, angry women. I know where it comes from now.

They talked about me so badly while I sat in the other room trying to calm down and go over what happened in my head. They talked about my friends, my wedding, and how selfish I am. They did all this under the impression that I did something that I DID NOT do.

Is this mental illness? I know my mother has one, but does my grandmother have a mental illness? It was so quick for them to jump on me and make me feel like shit, and show no remorse about it when I told then what really happened.

My nana gave me a really lame ‘if I’m wrong, I’m sorry’ but how could you say the things you did and then 30 mins be sorry…

I don’t know how to handle this. It’s not like I can change the family I have, but it seems like every member of my family aren’t happy.They are mean, selfish, uncaring people, yet they expect me to help and care for them. To be like their needing and sounding board.

I am really going through something right now. The whole beginning of this year has been challenging my mental illness, my body, and my heart. I will get through this though and be a better person and supporter to the people I know and love, but I will never give my family all of myself anymore.

That’s just for me.

Unexpected Hospital Visit

My mom tried to kill herself…again.

The only way my mother feels self worth is through money. Even though she has multiple problems in her life and mind, she thinks the way to solve them is money.

I am the same way, I think.

My mom tried to kill herself because she thought she had no way out. No way out of her money problems, her mental illnesses, and her relationship. She got mad at me because I couldn’t fix the choices she made.

An immediate fix is what she wanted, and now she is going to stay in the pysch ward for probably a week. I’m scared for her. I’m scared because I don’t think my mother is going to live past 2013. How can I help her when her mind is so far gone? How can I tell her money doesn’t equal sanity. Money equals more problems, more hell.

I’m sitting in the hospital thinking about how the last time I was here, I thought my mom would die. That this was it. I got another chance with her and I messed it up.

I called my friend today, when the cops came, and told her I needed to talk because my mom was going crazy. She told me her mom killed herself this morning.

Talk about a wake up call…

Like mother, like daughter

My mom is just like me.

Or should I say I’m just like my mom. I called her today, and she sounded down. She was at home and not working. My mother drives a cab for a living, and loves it. She love the freedom that it gives, and it also pays her. The only thing is, my mom has been diagnosed with a plethora of mental illnesses. She depressed, schizophrenic, bi-polar, and more.

I called and she told me she was feeling depressed.

How do you handle when a family member is depressed, when you know exactly how they feel? For me, if I told someone I was depressed, I want to left alone. To lay in my room, and never wake up. I hate coming outside to even pee. It’s bad. So, when my mom is feeling like that, how do I help? She didn’t want to talk on the phone, and I’m afraid if I go over there, she wouldn’t want to see me.

How can I save her from herself? You know, this is exactly what I’m trying to do for myself. This journal is something that help me. What if it can help my mom? Maybe I’ll give her the link, and let her read what’s going on with me. Maybe this will make her feel like she’s not alone – without having to sit with other people. (My mom isn’t a people person, but yet, she drive a cab. Interesting…)

Ma, this is for you. If you read this, and you feel depressed or sad, know that you’re not going through this alone. Know there are millions of people out there with this dark cloud looming overhead. Know I’m here for you, and I know what you’re going through.

It get better…right…

How do you help a family member go through something you are to?