Money is the ROOT of my illness. What’s new?

Money is the root of all evil. Money makes me feel shitty and inexperienced. It doesn’t help my mental illness either.. for example..

Today I had a new appointment with a therapist and I had to cancel and get it rescheduled for next month because my husband’s bank account got into the negative and we didn’t have money to restore it soooo my money had to go all to his account. I have to wait because of money…because my husband doesn’t know how to look at his account before he spends money…

I hate worrying where the next dollar is going from. Does this contribute to mental illness? Worrying? Being upset about how your getting it or keeping it.

Does anyone else STRESS about MONEY everyday?!!

Its Beginning to Look A lot Like Anger

I have a problem. Anger. Anger steeps into me and fills me up into every little thing bothers me. I have to take a minute to myself to actually get right.

Is this normal? Does this happen to everyone?

When I get out of it, I feel bad for having to take that time for myself?

Why! I’m not this person…or am I? Should I just come clean to myself that I am an angry woman that needs frequent breaks from situations?

Or am I a caged bird. Still singing but so sad.

I Me Mine – The Beatles

This song really makes me think about I, Me, and… well.. MINE.

Isn’t that what everyone thinks about all the time? I think if you have a mental illness you think about yourself way more than others. This is because you always have to be “ahead of the game” when it comes to your illness. That is why they tell you to go help others or volunteer to get your mind off you… your mind.

Damn, all through the day… I me mine, I me mine, I me mine

What Dreams May Come

I will tell you that I am very into dreams. I remember every dream I have and believe they are really a window into my soul…literally.

In my dreams I always have some sort of conflict and I seem to always run away from them to save myself. I always tell my husband about my dreams and about a month ago he said “you seem to be always running away in your dream. you never confront anything”. He was right. In my dreams I am a meek and unresolved woman just trying to survive. I have never had a dream where I actually stood and fought my ground.

Well last night changed that, and I woke up feeling like a fighter! In my dream I actually had a fight, and I beat someone up. In the dream I warned the person a couple of times to leave me alone, and when they didn’t I attacked, and won!

Last night I hung out with friends, and I told them that I probably could not make an annual trip that we all do in May for Memorial Day. I now work in retail and there are “blackout” days in which I HAVE to work. My friends told me that I didn’t need the job, and I could find something better paying, and that I should make up something to get off..

As you all know I NEED a job. Not just for money, but for my well-being. I like to feel like I’m doing something productive with my life. So when my friends told me that it made me feel pulled – do I ditch my job for a weekend of drinking, smoking, and good times or do I do the responsible thing for my mental state and life???

This might sound silly, but after waking up from my dream I felt stronger. I felt…different.

My husband brought it up again to me this morning about my trying to tell my job some bullshit that weekend to get off, but I told him NO. I will not sacrifice my job and health for a weekend of partying. Although it might be the best weekend ever, I will not put my life on hold anymore. I will be an adult and DO WHAT I NEED TO DO BEFORE I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO(something my mother instilled in me very harshly as a teen)

Right now, I feel empowered and strong. I now know what it feel like to stick to your guns. My dream helped me with that…really!

So I guess the moral to this post FOR ME is to stick to your guns OhTemp and never again let people make you try to do something you know will hurt you in the end. I feel like something might be turning around.

Feeling worthless.

I am sitting alone in my house right now. Waiting. Waiting to understand how I got to here. I am feeling shitty, and out-of-place, in my own house.

My husband and I had an argument over money, which is probably normal, but what’s not normal is how I feel right now. One time today he told me if we broke up that he would he okay (life-wise/money-wise). Another time (during an argument) he told me that the money in the house was coming from him…and him only.

Both of which are true.

If we broke up, I would have no life. Nothing to call my mine, but the clothes on my back. I also don’t contribute to any of the bills. I sometimes buy food with the little paycheck I do get…once a month.

My mental illness has set me so far back, I feel like I have nothing of my own. I don’t have anything to say “I paid for that” or “I achieved this” in my life. It really sucks because before in my life I was the bread-winner. Ms. Independent. Now.. I’m mrs-got-nothing-at-all.


Finding a job is hard right now because I am waiting for my body to be clean of marijuana, and in my area there are no decent jobs. I have been on a couple of interviews, but I am not hopefully, at all. All I can think about when I think about employment is “Is my mind going to fuck this up again?”.

Now, my husband thinks I’m going to hold what he said over his head for life, but I’m not. I’m going to hold it over mine.

I feel like the biggest loser ever. I feel like I was never accomplish anything. I feel so shitty. I feel so broke down. I feel so unable.

Insurance for Mental Health patients SUCKS BIG ONES!

Okay, so I don’t know where you live, but I live in the United States, and I can tell you from semi-experience that having a mental illness is like having the plague when it comes to the insurance people.

Why? Aren’t we the ones using it more? Won’t the insurance companies get WAY MORE out of us then some healthy brained DOUSHE!?

Why am I so upset? Well my husband and I took out life insurance polices, and our financial advisor told us that the insurance company might turn me down because of having bipolar disorder! TURN ME DOWN? WHAT? WHY? Actually, the insurance people can turn you down for anything pre-condition.

FUCK YOU to them! How dare you dangle something that will HELP MY LIFE and make me become healthy but not give it to me because you think I am a flight risk. How dare you tell me that my husband can’t get help if I die because an illness that DOESN’T DIRECTLY AFFECT HIM! How are you putting stipulations on my wellness?

So does that mean everyone that has ever had ANYTHING in their lives is a risk?

I wonder how many top officials that make these stupid rules have a mental illness, or have a family member or friend with mental illness? I bet you that they bend the rules for the  SCROOGE MCDUCKS of the world


How ironic. The one thing really meant to help us is a Indiana Jones boulder…just coming at us…running us over.


Does my Bipolar affect my Money?

Yes it does.

I know I have much more to talk about, but the main thing on my mind is…

Does Bipolar make you less money savvy, or am I just really bad with it?

Right now, I’m completely and utterly broke. Not a dime to my name, and I can’t help to think if its all really me. I know I was the one making it and then spend it, but does bipolar really effect how you spend and save your money?

Looking back, I’ve always been a spender, but my motto back then was: I can make it back, why not have a good time. UGH! Really!?! Was that Bipolar talk for “drain it all! Ha ha.Now I ask: was it my bipolar making bad decisions or was it really me?

Now, I’m kicking my bipolar ass because I quit a perfectly good job, wasted all the good abundance of cash from that job, and now working at a minimum wage job, for what….?

So I can move forward.

I don’t need to look back right now. All that is going to do is make me feel bad about the choices I’ve made, and feel bad about being Bipolar all over again. I can’t do that again. So I’m going to learn from my mistakes, let go of my pride, stay at this stupid beneath me job, and do what I have to do.

To answer my own question, yes, bipolar can and will fuck up your financial future. The next question is: now that you know what are you going to do about it now?

What am I going to do about it now…?

I’m working!! And I’m Manic.

I’m finally working!

I’m working as a housekeeper at a large hotel. A hotel that has a very large water park and lots of kids! (Sacre bleu!!) I’m really excited to be working and making some money, at least. The bad thing about it all is that I think I’m in my manic phase. I’m feeling really sexual, I’m conducting behaviors that seem irrational.

I feel good though, but it’s not the kind of good that I need right now.

How are you?