so

i told my son tonight that i wont be like my mother. i wont tell him im going to stop and not stop. drug aren’t good for me. not good for my son…

no hard drugs – pleeaassseee but marijuana. im still using this drug mindlessly becsuse i think i need it. i dont need it anymore. i dont need my mind to float i need it to stay and look at my son.

look at my life.

i have been feeling really powerless lately. been crying and laughing really weirdly.

how did i end up exactly at the same spot i was?

because i never really did shit.

 

hello again. my name is OHTEMP, and this is Bipolar, Employed & STILL LOST.

I’M FREE! but why do I feel like this?

Right now, in this moment, I feel dread and uncertainty comes over me. I walked into my ex-job to sign my resignation forms and when I left I felt….blah.

It could be because I have been smoking and drinking. I have been using marijuana. I have not been taking my medication. I have really been fucking up all the good that I’ve gained… and for what? NOTHING. 

This always happens to me. I get on track, I hate being on the track, I leave the track. I’m depressed about my being on track.

UGH UGH UGH!

What is wrong with me? This isn’t mental illness. This is a curse.

Like Waves

In the last two days, there has been issues that have arisen around me that I can honestly say hasn’t affected me in the least.

It has been like waves rolling off my back and behind me. Is this me? Is this the meds? Have I finally understood the quote:

“Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn’t measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It’s not winning battles that makes you happy, but it’s how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.”
― C. JoyBell C

It seems like everything and everyone is trying to get a rise out of me, but every time something happens I hear ‘You catch more flies with honey than vinegar‘, and I shrug it off. Actually, I feel too tired to fight really. All my energy from being angrymadsad are lost. Lately I feel more like a robot. Sleep. Work. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

An old pal…

So I feel like I MAYbe heading into chaos again. I took a wrong turn on my path of turning my life around. Now. I’m have faced some consequences already.

Today I did not go to work. I faked sick so I could go to my med appointment and also because…

…I’ve started back smoking. I have only done this for a week and a day, which was yesterday. I feel like its sucking me back in to the old me. The me that didn’t do anything but smoke, lay around, be forgetful, but felt okay. Weed was my commander and I’m just the vessel. I don’t want to do that anymore.

Also, I have been eating everything in sight, without any care. I think I may have gained 5 pounds this week alone. I woke up with really bad heartburn. My mind and body are not one.

I need more control.
How do you self control??

Carroll weighs in on medicinal pot

Carroll weighs in on medicinal pot

So, wait a dog on minute!

A coach from a BAZILLION dollar sports industry kind of agreed with medicinal marijuana? Really?

So, when is it going to be really MEDICINAL everywhere? Because it’s popping up ALOT!

The NFL is a huge company and arena around the world, and for one of their own to talk about marijuana in a way such as this makes me feel like a revolution is coming.

Next, lets test strains, find out which ones really helps and not make you addicted and lazy, and start putting it into the world for mental illness patients, because does millionaires who play a sport really need marijuana? really??

Mental Illness x Marijuana x3

http://www.utsandiego.com/news/2014/jan/19/letters-marijuana-gloria-gun/

“Researchers from the University of Bristol, Imperial College and Cambridge University examined 35 studies that tracked tens of thousands of people for periods ranging from one year to 27 years to examine the effects of marijuana use on mental health. They found that people who used marijuana had roughly a 40 percent higher chance of developing a psychotic disorder later in life. Dr. Wilson Compton, a senior scientist at the National Institute on Drug Abuse in Washington, called the study persuasive.”

Does anyone believe that what you read in the news isn’t anyways the truth? I do. I mean, I know I have blogged about marijuana and mental illness before, but this time, I am not so sure.

I mean everyone’s body and mind are different. They are effected by different things, we have different senses and thoughts, so how can marijuana really do that to everyone? I have stopped using weed because, for me, it wasn’t helping me anymore. It became an ADDICTION. An addiction that helped my mind, yes, but an addiction nonetheless. I think that marijuana helps people with mental illness. It shuts your mind out, makes you feel okay and creative. It brings people closer to other people. It’s a revenue to millions of families out there…

but..

the more its okay in the world to use legally, the more the news is going to tell you bad shit. Isn’t that how the world works?

The people in power are always holding the big stick..

Smoke. Don’t smoke. Its your choice. Yours alone.

Marijuana x Bipolar DOES (not) MIX!

I am feeling so SHITTY right now, and it’s not because of Bipolar…

MARIJUANA IS A HORRIBLE DRUG! Well, not really, but when you use it to put your mind in check for so long, and go without it..

It is a shit.

I’m at the point where I don’t know where my Marijuana begins, and my Bipolar life ends. It has been fused together for so long, but I have made a promise to my FUTURE self, that I will stop smoking, get help, exercise, and start to do this the right way.

How many people use marijuana for their mental illness? How many people use the drug, abuse the drug, and then TRY to get off of it just to find themselves feeling horrible in the end? I must not be the only one..

My husband last night, actually got mad at me again about MONEY. Apparently, I use too much money for weed and not enough on other things. THIS IS TRUE, yes, but this thing I’m using is helping me continue to be that girl you once knew, and not Mrs. Hyde – the monster.

I’m feeling so drained, so pulled in different directions, so lame, so ugh, so much.