Unemployed, Lost & kind of loving it…

You can not understand how many times I have been unemployed, lost, and feeling like do do…

But not this time. I quit my job because I wasn’t going to work for a manager that talks shit behind my back. I’m bipolar, she just didn’t know…

Also, I hated HATED going into that job everyday. It was torturous to get up and pretend. I’m not a good pretender so it made my life really hard. Sometimes you have to worry about things like jobs, money, advancement, but for me right now it couldn’t be farther from my mind.

Right now I’m focusing on me and what the hell I want to do. My bipolar limits me to work at a conventionally setting without wanting to kill my coworkers and myself for longer than 4 months, so I have to find so,etching that is going to go along with my mind….

And the ride.

In other words, I’m okay and I’ll be okay.

How are you?

P.s. Thanks for all the Greta comments you are leaving me. Since I have no job please watch out for some crazy post… Literally.

I Me Mine – The Beatles

This song really makes me think about I, Me, and… well.. MINE.

Isn’t that what everyone thinks about all the time? I think if you have a mental illness you think about yourself way more than others. This is because you always have to be “ahead of the game” when it comes to your illness. That is why they tell you to go help others or volunteer to get your mind off you… your mind.

Damn, all through the day… I me mine, I me mine, I me mine

Double Agent

I know people with mental illness have to act like double agents everyday, but lately I have been feeling more and more unknown to myself.

everyday I wake up not knowing who I am and what I might do today. This morning, I woke up and decided that I didn’t want to go to work, so I smoked, call my job, and went back to bed. I woke up 3 hours later really kicking myself in the ass for not going.

What is going on with me? Sometimes I’m looking out through eyes that might not be mines.

Am I still going through a rebellious period? Do I have nothing to work and strive for?

Has anyone felt this way? Is it my addiction or my mental illness?

I’M IN A FUCKING SHUTDOWN and that’s okay

I’m feeling word empty at the moment.

There is nothing I truly want to write again. I’m becoming kind of ANTI-The world.
No tv.
No writing.
No spending money.
No hanging out.
No nothing.

I have been stilling quietly for a couple of mins a day. I want to not think about things that have to do with people, or bullshit that doesn’t matter.

Like jobs
Money
The future
Bills
Expectations

I am getting extremely high, but taking my meds and making to do lists daily. I am just trying to find my fucking way.

I’m tired of my mind and my surroundings control me. Controlling me should be me.
:/

I’M FREE! but why do I feel like this?

Right now, in this moment, I feel dread and uncertainty comes over me. I walked into my ex-job to sign my resignation forms and when I left I felt….blah.

It could be because I have been smoking and drinking. I have been using marijuana. I have not been taking my medication. I have really been fucking up all the good that I’ve gained… and for what? NOTHING. 

This always happens to me. I get on track, I hate being on the track, I leave the track. I’m depressed about my being on track.

UGH UGH UGH!

What is wrong with me? This isn’t mental illness. This is a curse.

Back to the Future!

My job is officially gone.

I am unemployed once more and I feel good and bad. I feel like I just jumped out of a window, but somehow I know there is something that will catch me. A leap of faith maybe?

So…i guess this means you will be hearing a lot more from my mentally illed ass a lot more..

Yay?
:/

Unemployed…almost??

Time to start the depression cycle of job hunting..again.

My job isn’t working out for me. I’m not getting promoted, they are very strange when it comes to work ethic, and I’ll be playing two roles – one that I should get more money, and the other less responsibility. Also I apparently say off the wall things to sensitive people…

Right..

But that’s not the point. The point is I was so excited about the promotion, mental health month, trips, life, that going back to job searching is going to suck, and I can already feel depression mode kicking in.

Job searching for someone like me is horrible. I apply to all these jobs, hear back from maybe 2, they aren’t good because of something or another, then I get even more depressed. I also have a mental illness and don’t want to put myself in a position where I am compromising my health for a job, ever.

I am 27 and I’ve had over 15 jobs in my life..

Does that sound horrible??

I’m so bummed. I gate job hunting 😦

Bipolar, Employed, and Hating it

Jobs are for brains that can make plans and stick with them. Jobs are for people who can go with the flow, and not just be pretending to.

My new job is working in retail. I am a visual merchandising assistant. I make a little above minimum wage, but that’s not the problem..

..the problem is that I work with young, backstabbing, vain, horrible, non professional people. These are the kind of people that make cliques and make everyone else who isn’t in it feel like outsiders. They are really fake and mean to people whom they don’t deem fashionable enough.

The other day I got sent in the office for a talk because I had ask for my boss’s boss opinion on a project I was doing. She helped me and was really okay about it, but then turned around and told my boss that I didn’t know what I was doing, and that he must not be training me right! She got all of that from me asking her advice! My bosses told me to never talk to her again because she just acts like that about everything. Basically, she is out to get me. THEN they told me that I need to calm down because I am just an assistant and that my enthusiasm was too much!!

Too much?? Too much?? If they only knew how much I needed and wanted a job! How much effort it takes me to keep something because of my mental illness! It shocked me!

Now, I’m sitting in-between a rock and a hard place because I need and like what I do, but the people are not my cup of tea.

How can I overcome this??

What Dreams May Come

I will tell you that I am very into dreams. I remember every dream I have and believe they are really a window into my soul…literally.

In my dreams I always have some sort of conflict and I seem to always run away from them to save myself. I always tell my husband about my dreams and about a month ago he said “you seem to be always running away in your dream. you never confront anything”. He was right. In my dreams I am a meek and unresolved woman just trying to survive. I have never had a dream where I actually stood and fought my ground.

Well last night changed that, and I woke up feeling like a fighter! In my dream I actually had a fight, and I beat someone up. In the dream I warned the person a couple of times to leave me alone, and when they didn’t I attacked, and won!

Last night I hung out with friends, and I told them that I probably could not make an annual trip that we all do in May for Memorial Day. I now work in retail and there are “blackout” days in which I HAVE to work. My friends told me that I didn’t need the job, and I could find something better paying, and that I should make up something to get off..

As you all know I NEED a job. Not just for money, but for my well-being. I like to feel like I’m doing something productive with my life. So when my friends told me that it made me feel pulled – do I ditch my job for a weekend of drinking, smoking, and good times or do I do the responsible thing for my mental state and life???

This might sound silly, but after waking up from my dream I felt stronger. I felt…different.

My husband brought it up again to me this morning about my trying to tell my job some bullshit that weekend to get off, but I told him NO. I will not sacrifice my job and health for a weekend of partying. Although it might be the best weekend ever, I will not put my life on hold anymore. I will be an adult and DO WHAT I NEED TO DO BEFORE I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO(something my mother instilled in me very harshly as a teen)

Right now, I feel empowered and strong. I now know what it feel like to stick to your guns. My dream helped me with that…really!

So I guess the moral to this post FOR ME is to stick to your guns OhTemp and never again let people make you try to do something you know will hurt you in the end. I feel like something might be turning around.

Depressed & Restless

I am feeling so depressed and restless.

I have reasons:

1. I got a job, but it turned out to be just part time when I thought it was going to be full time. I know I shouldn’t be depressed about that, but dddaaammmnnnitttt!!!!

2. I don’t have money to do anything. At all. I had to lie and cancel my therapist appt today because I didn’t have 25.00 to spare.

3. We have no heat in our house right now until after the weekend. So, we are pretty much sitting in front of heaters not moving. Its 48 degrees in my house right now, and tonight its going to snow. Booooooooo.

4. I still have NO IDEA what I am doing at any moment in my day, life, year, forever. Its really frustrating, but I’m still in such a rut.

I thought by not drinking or smoking and taking meds that I would finally understand what was going on with me and start to live, but lately all I have been doing is the waiting game. Also it doesn’t help that I got into another argument with my husband over something dumb last night. While I have to deal with me, I also have to mother him, which isn’t fair. Uugghhhh!!

I hate feeling like this.

Hello Prozac,..I mean, Fluoxetine

So I am on Prozac now. Actually I am on a generic med called Fluoxetine.

It is making me sleepy, and hungry, but not angry, depressed, or sad. I don’t know how much I like it yet. While I was on Wellbutrin I felt energized, fit, healthy, and on track. This makes me feel on track, but about 5pm I feel so sleepy and take naps. Then I am up until 2am.

Well I have only been on it for 5 days, so we will see how this goes…

Other than that, I am waiting to hear back from jobs, but I am thinking if they haven’t called me back yet, they probably won’t.

Darn..

and I was so looking forward to work with retail customers again…

not.

oh well, on to the next one…