Double Agent

I know people with mental illness have to act like double agents everyday, but lately I have been feeling more and more unknown to myself.

everyday I wake up not knowing who I am and what I might do today. This morning, I woke up and decided that I didn’t want to go to work, so I smoked, call my job, and went back to bed. I woke up 3 hours later really kicking myself in the ass for not going.

What is going on with me? Sometimes I’m looking out through eyes that might not be mines.

Am I still going through a rebellious period? Do I have nothing to work and strive for?

Has anyone felt this way? Is it my addiction or my mental illness?

I’M FREE! but why do I feel like this?

Right now, in this moment, I feel dread and uncertainty comes over me. I walked into my ex-job to sign my resignation forms and when I left I felt….blah.

It could be because I have been smoking and drinking. I have been using marijuana. I have not been taking my medication. I have really been fucking up all the good that I’ve gained… and for what? NOTHING. 

This always happens to me. I get on track, I hate being on the track, I leave the track. I’m depressed about my being on track.

UGH UGH UGH!

What is wrong with me? This isn’t mental illness. This is a curse.

Back to the Future!

My job is officially gone.

I am unemployed once more and I feel good and bad. I feel like I just jumped out of a window, but somehow I know there is something that will catch me. A leap of faith maybe?

So…i guess this means you will be hearing a lot more from my mentally illed ass a lot more..

Yay?
:/

From PAIN to PLAIN..

I have been absent lately because..

because..

I don’t really know. I want to write, but what to write about has really stumped me. I am still taking Prozac and I feel MUCH MUCH better, but also, I feel disconnected from the mental health world. It’s really F-ed up because I know I have a mental illness, but once your feeling better it kind of goes into the background.

But isn’t that what I wanted? To live my life without symptoms of my illness?

Now my mind is on other things like work, what I’m going to cook for dinner, what are my cats doing, where are my pants. I mean my mind has shifted from pain to…plain.

I know this post is kind of becoming a melodrama of one, but I really feel out of the loop. Does that happen to you?

When you feel okay, do you let go of everything?

What Dreams May Come

I will tell you that I am very into dreams. I remember every dream I have and believe they are really a window into my soul…literally.

In my dreams I always have some sort of conflict and I seem to always run away from them to save myself. I always tell my husband about my dreams and about a month ago he said “you seem to be always running away in your dream. you never confront anything”. He was right. In my dreams I am a meek and unresolved woman just trying to survive. I have never had a dream where I actually stood and fought my ground.

Well last night changed that, and I woke up feeling like a fighter! In my dream I actually had a fight, and I beat someone up. In the dream I warned the person a couple of times to leave me alone, and when they didn’t I attacked, and won!

Last night I hung out with friends, and I told them that I probably could not make an annual trip that we all do in May for Memorial Day. I now work in retail and there are “blackout” days in which I HAVE to work. My friends told me that I didn’t need the job, and I could find something better paying, and that I should make up something to get off..

As you all know I NEED a job. Not just for money, but for my well-being. I like to feel like I’m doing something productive with my life. So when my friends told me that it made me feel pulled – do I ditch my job for a weekend of drinking, smoking, and good times or do I do the responsible thing for my mental state and life???

This might sound silly, but after waking up from my dream I felt stronger. I felt…different.

My husband brought it up again to me this morning about my trying to tell my job some bullshit that weekend to get off, but I told him NO. I will not sacrifice my job and health for a weekend of partying. Although it might be the best weekend ever, I will not put my life on hold anymore. I will be an adult and DO WHAT I NEED TO DO BEFORE I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO(something my mother instilled in me very harshly as a teen)

Right now, I feel empowered and strong. I now know what it feel like to stick to your guns. My dream helped me with that…really!

So I guess the moral to this post FOR ME is to stick to your guns OhTemp and never again let people make you try to do something you know will hurt you in the end. I feel like something might be turning around.

Bee-ing Busy (Ha, like what I did there…you know, with the BEE..okay..)

Hello WordPress FAMILY!

I am feeling much better thanks to YOU! All the comments I have received have been a godsend. I love getting such encouraging words from you. Thank you Thank you!

I have been keeping myself pretty submerged in this new job. I worked 9 hours today, and all I did was move shirts around and make the store look good. Who knew it was going to be such hard work. I’m kind of liking it more and more each day and I think I may have a knack for it.

So… I also went to see my therapist on Monday, which I KNOW helps me out MUCHO. She such a nice person and seems to genuinely care about my well-being. She is also around my age, so I think she can relate to me more on a level that I like. I have pushed back my apportionment dates with her to every two weeks, because I’m poor. That’s still the same..

In other mental health news,….actually I haven’t been keeping up with ANY mental health news. I’m sorry. I need to get back into the battleground of our fight and expose the insurgents! (Wow, that was really COMMANDO!). Sometimes I just need to escape from writing and focus on…well myself, I guess.

I hope everyone is doing well and not much BAD has happened!

I still need people who would love to share their stories with me on Fridays! If your interested or KNOW SOMEONE who is interested please email me at bipolarunemployedlost@gmail.com!!

Well, this isn’t the last of me, I promise. I will be more active and better the coming months. I just hope that I was continue to help and get help from such awesome people.

Hello Prozac,..I mean, Fluoxetine

So I am on Prozac now. Actually I am on a generic med called Fluoxetine.

It is making me sleepy, and hungry, but not angry, depressed, or sad. I don’t know how much I like it yet. While I was on Wellbutrin I felt energized, fit, healthy, and on track. This makes me feel on track, but about 5pm I feel so sleepy and take naps. Then I am up until 2am.

Well I have only been on it for 5 days, so we will see how this goes…

Other than that, I am waiting to hear back from jobs, but I am thinking if they haven’t called me back yet, they probably won’t.

Darn..

and I was so looking forward to work with retail customers again…

not.

oh well, on to the next one…

Feeling worthless.

I am sitting alone in my house right now. Waiting. Waiting to understand how I got to here. I am feeling shitty, and out-of-place, in my own house.

My husband and I had an argument over money, which is probably normal, but what’s not normal is how I feel right now. One time today he told me if we broke up that he would he okay (life-wise/money-wise). Another time (during an argument) he told me that the money in the house was coming from him…and him only.

Both of which are true.

If we broke up, I would have no life. Nothing to call my mine, but the clothes on my back. I also don’t contribute to any of the bills. I sometimes buy food with the little paycheck I do get…once a month.

My mental illness has set me so far back, I feel like I have nothing of my own. I don’t have anything to say “I paid for that” or “I achieved this” in my life. It really sucks because before in my life I was the bread-winner. Ms. Independent. Now.. I’m mrs-got-nothing-at-all.

Mrs-what-the-hell-am-I-doing-at-all.

Finding a job is hard right now because I am waiting for my body to be clean of marijuana, and in my area there are no decent jobs. I have been on a couple of interviews, but I am not hopefully, at all. All I can think about when I think about employment is “Is my mind going to fuck this up again?”.

Now, my husband thinks I’m going to hold what he said over his head for life, but I’m not. I’m going to hold it over mine.

I feel like the biggest loser ever. I feel like I was never accomplish anything. I feel so shitty. I feel so broke down. I feel so unable.

Unemployed…again.

I lost my job today and I’m semi upset about it.

I’m upset because I have to find another job, and that’s hard because there are no jobs.

I’m upset because I can’t find a decent job until the marijuana has disappeared from my system, which takes a month.

I’m upset because I’m about to go on meds, and I didn’t want to find a job until I was settled into that.

I’m upset because losing a job is always stressful and upsetting.

I don’t want to do the whole WOE IS ME thing, but damn damn damn damn.

Damn.

Are my money issues…bipolar issues?

Here is goes again…

My brain keeps telling me one thing, when I KNOW I should be doing another. I got a job! Woo hoo! I’m working at a small coffee place in my town. Its not much, but its a job. I’m actually making $7.25, which sucks because I am a college grad with student loans/bills/needs, but it’s a start.

The bad thing is… my mind is already sailing on a yacht with Beyonce and Jay-Z. I haven’t even received my first paycheck and I’m going to BORA BORA! My mind is thinking about owning my own business, vacations, saving money, stocks, bonds, etc, etc, etc.. I’ve even went to the library and checked out Personal Finance and Business books.

The only reason I’ve slowed down is because I told my fiance that I wanted to own my own business, and he kind of flipped. He told me that we can’t plan for anything, AT ALL, because of the money situation we are in. He deflated my mind, and now..

It’s pretty bad, the way my mind works. How am I spending invisible money? Is this apart of my disease? or this is just another cycle of my bad spending/saving habits?

Are my money issues…bipolar issues?

There something else I’ve noticed though, which I bet a billion people have noticed about themselves as well… well, there are two things…

1. I hate working. Anything that involves my time, doing something I don’t really like, I HATE HATE HATE it and dread going back. Every job I’ve ever had where it didn’t have all of me, I’ve hated and quit.

2. If I don’t obsess over where my money should/would/needs to go I feel like I don’t have a purpose to work. This is silly because when I DIDN’T have a job I was crying about needing money, needing purpose, and then when I get a job it’s not good enough.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!? WHAT IS WRONG!!!

Is my work ethic horrible? Have I had so many jobs in my life that I don’t see lucky enough to have it? Why am I so much in my mind and nothing in my actions?

I blame society, bipolar, myself, and my mom…and I’ll probably never get an answer..

p.s. THANKS FOR THE BDAY WISHES!! YAY FOR THAT!

You say Goodbye, and I say Hello!

I have been dreading this post. Really badly..

This post should consist of things I have been doing, and maybe how my life has been progressing and such. Bad thing is it hasn’t, and I don’t want to talk about that. 

I don’t want to talk about it because then it becomes real – for you and for me. Am I in denial? Yup, jump in that rive about 3 weeks ago. Its fine in here..

I just not progressing as well as I need to be. I’m actually taking a break from my goals, and  focusing on my new job and the little moola that I am getting. I also have been lounging around the house on my off days. My job is okay, but I make only min. wage. I feel like a train that has been derailed. 

My BP has been been okay. I’m not crying or killing, so that’s a plus in my house. 

I’ve just lost wanting to do anything, anymore. My friend told me on the phone that I seemed sad, like I wasn’t the same person he’d met before. I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Has my lust for life vanished? What happened to my dreams? Weird, I’m carving sex more than ever…

oh no…manic?!

 

 

missed my BP fam 🙂

A FILLER post..boooo

I’m just checking in to see how my BP family is holding up.

I know that I have been absent lately, but know that everything is going well and I am making up for lost time and money.

Don’t worry, the next post will be filled with that’s happening, what new highs my bipolar has taken me to, and what’s next. I look forward to reading what you have been doing as well.

Good luck my friends:)

I’m working!! And I’m Manic.

I’m finally working!

I’m working as a housekeeper at a large hotel. A hotel that has a very large water park and lots of kids! (Sacre bleu!!) I’m really excited to be working and making some money, at least. The bad thing about it all is that I think I’m in my manic phase. I’m feeling really sexual, I’m conducting behaviors that seem irrational.

I feel good though, but it’s not the kind of good that I need right now.

How are you?