Blink 182 – I Miss You

I love this song.
I remember listening to this album when my family was coming apart at the seams. This album seemed to save me.
This particular song brings me back…

Anderson takes part in an experiment to help understand how people live with mental illness

Anderson takes part in an experiment to help understand how people live with mental illness

So glad that people in the public are trying to help out mental illness patients, but I think we may need someone who has a little more IT factor for it to be listened to…

How about Oprah?
Lebron James?
JESUS?

Thanks Anderson for bringing more light on such a dark subject!

Thanks Rafiki!

He’s right.
Your right, Rafiki.
Now…just to believe you..

Like Waves

In the last two days, there has been issues that have arisen around me that I can honestly say hasn’t affected me in the least.

It has been like waves rolling off my back and behind me. Is this me? Is this the meds? Have I finally understood the quote:

“Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn’t measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It’s not winning battles that makes you happy, but it’s how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.”
― C. JoyBell C

It seems like everything and everyone is trying to get a rise out of me, but every time something happens I hear ‘You catch more flies with honey than vinegar‘, and I shrug it off. Actually, I feel too tired to fight really. All my energy from being angrymadsad are lost. Lately I feel more like a robot. Sleep. Work. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

Bipolar, Employed, and Hating it

Jobs are for brains that can make plans and stick with them. Jobs are for people who can go with the flow, and not just be pretending to.

My new job is working in retail. I am a visual merchandising assistant. I make a little above minimum wage, but that’s not the problem..

..the problem is that I work with young, backstabbing, vain, horrible, non professional people. These are the kind of people that make cliques and make everyone else who isn’t in it feel like outsiders. They are really fake and mean to people whom they don’t deem fashionable enough.

The other day I got sent in the office for a talk because I had ask for my boss’s boss opinion on a project I was doing. She helped me and was really okay about it, but then turned around and told my boss that I didn’t know what I was doing, and that he must not be training me right! She got all of that from me asking her advice! My bosses told me to never talk to her again because she just acts like that about everything. Basically, she is out to get me. THEN they told me that I need to calm down because I am just an assistant and that my enthusiasm was too much!!

Too much?? Too much?? If they only knew how much I needed and wanted a job! How much effort it takes me to keep something because of my mental illness! It shocked me!

Now, I’m sitting in-between a rock and a hard place because I need and like what I do, but the people are not my cup of tea.

How can I overcome this??

What Dreams May Come

I will tell you that I am very into dreams. I remember every dream I have and believe they are really a window into my soul…literally.

In my dreams I always have some sort of conflict and I seem to always run away from them to save myself. I always tell my husband about my dreams and about a month ago he said “you seem to be always running away in your dream. you never confront anything”. He was right. In my dreams I am a meek and unresolved woman just trying to survive. I have never had a dream where I actually stood and fought my ground.

Well last night changed that, and I woke up feeling like a fighter! In my dream I actually had a fight, and I beat someone up. In the dream I warned the person a couple of times to leave me alone, and when they didn’t I attacked, and won!

Last night I hung out with friends, and I told them that I probably could not make an annual trip that we all do in May for Memorial Day. I now work in retail and there are “blackout” days in which I HAVE to work. My friends told me that I didn’t need the job, and I could find something better paying, and that I should make up something to get off..

As you all know I NEED a job. Not just for money, but for my well-being. I like to feel like I’m doing something productive with my life. So when my friends told me that it made me feel pulled – do I ditch my job for a weekend of drinking, smoking, and good times or do I do the responsible thing for my mental state and life???

This might sound silly, but after waking up from my dream I felt stronger. I felt…different.

My husband brought it up again to me this morning about my trying to tell my job some bullshit that weekend to get off, but I told him NO. I will not sacrifice my job and health for a weekend of partying. Although it might be the best weekend ever, I will not put my life on hold anymore. I will be an adult and DO WHAT I NEED TO DO BEFORE I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO(something my mother instilled in me very harshly as a teen)

Right now, I feel empowered and strong. I now know what it feel like to stick to your guns. My dream helped me with that…really!

So I guess the moral to this post FOR ME is to stick to your guns OhTemp and never again let people make you try to do something you know will hurt you in the end. I feel like something might be turning around.

Support Systems are for Blogs only. Right??

Last night we went over friends’ house, and well, I felt…kind of pressured.

I felt pressured because my friends are drinkers and smokers, and they don’t understand why I stopped. It got so bad that even my husband, who KNOWS why I had to quit, questioned me. They questioned if I was going to drink when one of my friend’s birthday party came up this month. I told them no. They seemed really let down, like I’m not fun without being F&^ked up. My husband then said I could drink wine..

Wow.

Now..I know that our friendship in the beginning was based on the fact that I partied with them, but things changed. I’ve changed. It sucks to think that my friends don’t see why its not good to always get high or drink.  It sucks to think my husband switches up when he goes over there with them. We were suppose to be doing this together, a sort of check and balances thing, you know…

I love my friends and will always try to connect with them on whatever level I can, but now that I’m straight-edge and don’t do those things anymore, its lonely. I want to be healthier, happier, mental stable, and I can not do that on drugs and alcohol. Shit,  one beer on these meds make me have the biggest headache that lasts for TWO DAYS.

I don’t want to lose my friends, but I don’t know how to make them see..

ALSO, I don’t want to make them feel like I’m judging them for doing those things..but I kind of am. Is that wrong? Yes, yes it is, but how can I help it when one of them told me they were going to quit, and the other is my husband who conked out on me..

I don’t have a good support team in my life outside of the blogging world, and you know what..I’m okay with that. Not everyone needs to support me other than myself.

No more drugs for me

I have took my last pill two days ago.

Am I in trouble? Will I start right back to old BP me? With the pills, I would fall asleep faster and wake up feeling refreshed. I think all those pills did for me was give me the amount of sleep I really did need.

Even if it was the Seroquel, I felt better going to sleep and waking up 8-9 hours later. Its like my mind got the rest it need to refuel, and recharge. i now know the importance of sleeping at the same time, and waking up at the same time.But now….we have a houseguest. Its my friend, who had ran into my bad times like myself (its funny, but everyone around still needs MY help. Where are you for me? Argh! It will never change!). The only thing is that while he has been here, he has been taking over our tv and games. Everytime I wake up, the TV already is on in the living room.

A little……actually a BIG UGH! I want to help him, but at the same time, don’t touch my stuff, go out and find a job, and leave.

Yup, now that the meds are gone, I can feel my annoyed, angry self come back. The only different thing about this time…

I refuse to go back and lost my focus and track. I’m ready to do for ME, and leave everyone eating dirt, because that’s what most of them deserve.

:(

Today, broke my heart.

I didn’t get the job I wanted (denied AGAIN!), and then today I saw a person that I haven’t seen in years – my old manager. This manager stands out to me because it was the BEST job I’ve ever had and he also has known me since I was 13 years old.

The fucked up thing was, I passed him without said hello or anything. I know I probably should have stopped and said hello, but when I was walking toward him he turned his back to not face me, like he didn’t want me to know it was him. It crushed me.

I should have stopped and said hello…why didn’t I? Why did I let that opportunity pass me by, and why did he not turn around and say hello to me? Are we too different now to be civil, or still say hello? Are those days long gone, and if they are why are they always in my mind? For me, that job was everything. Looking back on some posts that I wrote while working, you would say I hated my job. I always complained about going in, dealing with customers, cleaning, but it was the best job ever. Since then…nothing has made me feel the same.

Now that I saw him, it makes me realize that my friends from before were never my friends for life. They were my friends for then. I don’t even talk to anyone I worked with then anymore, they are all memories, walking pass me without saying hello. I want to get over things. I want to start living past-free.

How?