fights

I will tell you that I am very into dreams. I remember every dream I have and believe they are really a window into my soul…literally.

In my dreams I always have some sort of conflict and I seem to always run away from them to save myself. I always tell my husband about my dreams and about a month ago he said “you seem to be always running away in your dream. you never confront anything”. He was right. In my dreams I am a meek and unresolved woman just trying to survive. I have never had a dream where I actually stood and fought my ground.

Well last night changed that, and I woke up feeling like a fighter! In my dream I actually had a fight, and I beat someone up. In the dream I warned the person a couple of times to leave me alone, and when they didn’t I attacked, and won!

Last night I hung out with friends, and I told them that I probably could not make an annual trip that we all do in May for Memorial Day. I now work in retail and there are “blackout” days in which I HAVE to work. My friends told me that I didn’t need the job, and I could find something better paying, and that I should make up something to get off..

As you all know I NEED a job. Not just for money, but for my well-being. I like to feel like I’m doing something productive with my life. So when my friends told me that it made me feel pulled – do I ditch my job for a weekend of drinking, smoking, and good times or do I do the responsible thing for my mental state and life???

This might sound silly, but after waking up from my dream I felt stronger. I felt…different.

My husband brought it up again to me this morning about my trying to tell my job some bullshit that weekend to get off, but I told him NO. I will not sacrifice my job and health for a weekend of partying. Although it might be the best weekend ever, I will not put my life on hold anymore. I will be an adult and DO WHAT I NEED TO DO BEFORE I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO(something my mother instilled in me very harshly as a teen)

Right now, I feel empowered and strong. I now know what it feel like to stick to your guns. My dream helped me with that…really!

So I guess the moral to this post FOR ME is to stick to your guns OhTemp and never again let people make you try to do something you know will hurt you in the end. I feel like something might be turning around.

When I get called out about myself, its bad.

When I get called out, I become as if Medusa looked me in the eyes – stone. I become cold and mad. I don’t like to hear about my flaws, and what I do wrong. Not in a mania phase. They are always wrong, and I’m always right.
Maybe that’s why no one ever tells me the bad things about myself. They are afraid I might chop their heads off, Lucy Liu style.

The truth is I will.

For me, this isn’t something I want to do. This is the person I really am. My feelings over power me, and then you get this emotionless, vindictive person. This monster.

My fiance is right. I always want to blame someone for my flaws and mistakes. For my quitting my job over nothing, for my not being able to save money, for my not being able to finish anything I start. These are my flaws that I don’t want to own up too.

But, in my mind, I’m kind, understanding, proactive, and determined. I’m also skinned than what I am, and cooler. I believe people are waiting for me to make the first move. How can my mind lie to my reality. Is this why I’m unhappy?

I’m so unhappy.

How can I change my perception of a life that I’m not living, into the one I want. If you want to throw some encouragement my way, please! This alice is tired of falling down the fucking rabbit hole.

Tick, tock

Posted from a woman on the go