fighting

What Dreams May Come

/ Bipolarunemployedlost / 2 Comments

I will tell you that I am very into dreams. I remember every dream I have and believe they are really a window into my soul…literally.

In my dreams I always have some sort of conflict and I seem to always run away from them to save myself. I always tell my husband about my dreams and about a month ago he said “you seem to be always running away in your dream. you never confront anything”. He was right. In my dreams I am a meek and unresolved woman just trying to survive. I have never had a dream where I actually stood and fought my ground.

Well last night changed that, and I woke up feeling like a fighter! In my dream I actually had a fight, and I beat someone up. In the dream I warned the person a couple of times to leave me alone, and when they didn’t I attacked, and won!

Last night I hung out with friends, and I told them that I probably could not make an annual trip that we all do in May for Memorial Day. I now work in retail and there are “blackout” days in which I HAVE to work. My friends told me that I didn’t need the job, and I could find something better paying, and that I should make up something to get off..

As you all know I NEED a job. Not just for money, but for my well-being. I like to feel like I’m doing something productive with my life. So when my friends told me that it made me feel pulled – do I ditch my job for a weekend of drinking, smoking, and good times or do I do the responsible thing for my mental state and life???

This might sound silly, but after waking up from my dream I felt stronger. I felt…different.

My husband brought it up again to me this morning about my trying to tell my job some bullshit that weekend to get off, but I told him NO. I will not sacrifice my job and health for a weekend of partying. Although it might be the best weekend ever, I will not put my life on hold anymore. I will be an adult and DO WHAT I NEED TO DO BEFORE I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO(something my mother instilled in me very harshly as a teen)

Right now, I feel empowered and strong. I now know what it feel like to stick to your guns. My dream helped me with that…really!

So I guess the moral to this post FOR ME is to stick to your guns OhTemp and never again let people make you try to do something you know will hurt you in the end. I feel like something might be turning around.

Feeling worthless.

/ Bipolarunemployedlost / 11 Comments

I am sitting alone in my house right now. Waiting. Waiting to understand how I got to here. I am feeling shitty, and out-of-place, in my own house.

My husband and I had an argument over money, which is probably normal, but what’s not normal is how I feel right now. One time today he told me if we broke up that he would he okay (life-wise/money-wise). Another time (during an argument) he told me that the money in the house was coming from him…and him only.

Both of which are true.

If we broke up, I would have no life. Nothing to call my mine, but the clothes on my back. I also don’t contribute to any of the bills. I sometimes buy food with the little paycheck I do get…once a month.

My mental illness has set me so far back, I feel like I have nothing of my own. I don’t have anything to say “I paid for that” or “I achieved this” in my life. It really sucks because before in my life I was the bread-winner. Ms. Independent. Now.. I’m mrs-got-nothing-at-all.

Mrs-what-the-hell-am-I-doing-at-all.

Finding a job is hard right now because I am waiting for my body to be clean of marijuana, and in my area there are no decent jobs. I have been on a couple of interviews, but I am not hopefully, at all. All I can think about when I think about employment is “Is my mind going to fuck this up again?”.

Now, my husband thinks I’m going to hold what he said over his head for life, but I’m not. I’m going to hold it over mine.

I feel like the biggest loser ever. I feel like I was never accomplish anything. I feel so shitty. I feel so broke down. I feel so unable.