2016 please come now!

my holiday was bad. really bad.

my family made me feel like shit this Christmas, in turn, making me feel like shit the whole weekend. I spent my weekend locked up in my house, on the couch, alone. I didn’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone, hang out, nothing..

i feel bad because i feel like i ruined Christmas but the people around me didn’t care about my feelings at all so my holiday was ruined.

ugh to the people around me.

ugh to the holidays.

ugh to myself for not getting up and leaving this place when i could.

Unemployed, Lost & kind of loving it…

You can not understand how many times I have been unemployed, lost, and feeling like do do…

But not this time. I quit my job because I wasn’t going to work for a manager that talks shit behind my back. I’m bipolar, she just didn’t know…

Also, I hated HATED going into that job everyday. It was torturous to get up and pretend. I’m not a good pretender so it made my life really hard. Sometimes you have to worry about things like jobs, money, advancement, but for me right now it couldn’t be farther from my mind.

Right now I’m focusing on me and what the hell I want to do. My bipolar limits me to work at a conventionally setting without wanting to kill my coworkers and myself for longer than 4 months, so I have to find so,etching that is going to go along with my mind….

And the ride.

In other words, I’m okay and I’ll be okay.

How are you?

P.s. Thanks for all the Greta comments you are leaving me. Since I have no job please watch out for some crazy post… Literally.

Anderson takes part in an experiment to help understand how people live with mental illness

Anderson takes part in an experiment to help understand how people live with mental illness

So glad that people in the public are trying to help out mental illness patients, but I think we may need someone who has a little more IT factor for it to be listened to…

How about Oprah?
Lebron James?

Thanks Anderson for bringing more light on such a dark subject!

I’m Forest Gump Running

So I have been trying to keep super busy lately.

I’ve been keeping busy to stop thinking crappy about myself and my life.

I have decided to become a Girl Scout Volunteer. Last weekend was my first GS Camp, and I loved it. I was tired and hungry by the end of it, but the girls were so cute and volunteering really helped me think of other things.

Now I am running again. I am in NY to see my family, which is helping but my mother (and maybe my grandmother) have a mental illness so sometimes its hard also.

I am running from myself, my home, my illness, my responsibilities, my pending fate…

Whatever that may be…

Like Waves

In the last two days, there has been issues that have arisen around me that I can honestly say hasn’t affected me in the least.

It has been like waves rolling off my back and behind me. Is this me? Is this the meds? Have I finally understood the quote:

“Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn’t measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It’s not winning battles that makes you happy, but it’s how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.”
― C. JoyBell C

It seems like everything and everyone is trying to get a rise out of me, but every time something happens I hear ‘You catch more flies with honey than vinegar‘, and I shrug it off. Actually, I feel too tired to fight really. All my energy from being angrymadsad are lost. Lately I feel more like a robot. Sleep. Work. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

Support Systems are for Blogs only. Right??

Last night we went over friends’ house, and well, I felt…kind of pressured.

I felt pressured because my friends are drinkers and smokers, and they don’t understand why I stopped. It got so bad that even my husband, who KNOWS why I had to quit, questioned me. They questioned if I was going to drink when one of my friend’s birthday party came up this month. I told them no. They seemed really let down, like I’m not fun without being F&^ked up. My husband then said I could drink wine..


Now..I know that our friendship in the beginning was based on the fact that I partied with them, but things changed. I’ve changed. It sucks to think that my friends don’t see why its not good to always get high or drink.  It sucks to think my husband switches up when he goes over there with them. We were suppose to be doing this together, a sort of check and balances thing, you know…

I love my friends and will always try to connect with them on whatever level I can, but now that I’m straight-edge and don’t do those things anymore, its lonely. I want to be healthier, happier, mental stable, and I can not do that on drugs and alcohol. Shit,  one beer on these meds make me have the biggest headache that lasts for TWO DAYS.

I don’t want to lose my friends, but I don’t know how to make them see..

ALSO, I don’t want to make them feel like I’m judging them for doing those things..but I kind of am. Is that wrong? Yes, yes it is, but how can I help it when one of them told me they were going to quit, and the other is my husband who conked out on me..

I don’t have a good support team in my life outside of the blogging world, and you know what..I’m okay with that. Not everyone needs to support me other than myself.

The wheels on the bus go round and round

Yesterday I realized that my family will throw me under the bus very VERY quickly.

I won’t go into detail about what happened, but I will say that my grandmother and mother are very mean, evil, angry women. I know where it comes from now.

They talked about me so badly while I sat in the other room trying to calm down and go over what happened in my head. They talked about my friends, my wedding, and how selfish I am. They did all this under the impression that I did something that I DID NOT do.

Is this mental illness? I know my mother has one, but does my grandmother have a mental illness? It was so quick for them to jump on me and make me feel like shit, and show no remorse about it when I told then what really happened.

My nana gave me a really lame ‘if I’m wrong, I’m sorry’ but how could you say the things you did and then 30 mins be sorry…

I don’t know how to handle this. It’s not like I can change the family I have, but it seems like every member of my family aren’t happy.They are mean, selfish, uncaring people, yet they expect me to help and care for them. To be like their needing and sounding board.

I am really going through something right now. The whole beginning of this year has been challenging my mental illness, my body, and my heart. I will get through this though and be a better person and supporter to the people I know and love, but I will never give my family all of myself anymore.

That’s just for me.

Mom, suicide is not the answer.

My mom overdosed on Seroquel and Cocaine this morning.

I’m not sad, I’m angry. Angry because this time she did not succeed.

Does that should horrible to you? Well, I really don’t care. Her struggles have been going on too long, and its affecting every life around her.

These feelings aren’t new to me. This is everyday life, until she succeeds.

She just got prescribed the pills yesterday. I wonder how long she had this planned…

This is mental Illness is, a ugly stupid dick mother killer.

This might be Goodbye

Yesterday turned into a bad day.

I’m not going to lay down specifics, but it ended up my fiance and I arguing, with him slamming the glass out of our door. It’s just it seems like he wants to do as much as its good for him. Me? I have to go beyond and more… To me, that’s not fair. It’s not fair that I seem to be the only one thinking deeply about things.

Then to make it worse, my mom called me. She won tickets to the Price is Right and invited me….well last night I lost my phone and she told me we had to be there 3 hours early to register. I call her this morning, 3 hours before, and she said that she registered without me because I didn’t pick up the phone. YET, she never came by to get me or to see if I was home, or neither did she call my fiance. It was a bunch of bullshit.

I really feel like no one is there for me at all. That I can’t get extra help for my problems, but if someone else has a problem… im right there. That’s wrong.

My fiance told me last night that the whole last year I did ZERO for him, and that with me having soo many jobs in the past, I should be able to do things myself. Yet, I know he said things in anger, there was a hint of truth to it all. I am a loser, and I haven’t done ZERO in my life. He was right.

Now, where do I go from here? I’m typing this from my local library because I couldn’t stay in a house where I felt so ashamed, so much more a loser than ever. So, I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, shit, I don’t know what will happen a couple of hours from now. All I know is that I’m not going home, and I will be sitting in the library, waiting for something in my mind to release me from my loser hold.

So, if we never talk again, or if I never come back to wordpress, I want to say thanks for listening and finding the time to read this. I know my blog was short-lived, but it was worth it.

Adieu, my friends.

Like mother, like daughter

My mom is just like me.

Or should I say I’m just like my mom. I called her today, and she sounded down. She was at home and not working. My mother drives a cab for a living, and loves it. She love the freedom that it gives, and it also pays her. The only thing is, my mom has been diagnosed with a plethora of mental illnesses. She depressed, schizophrenic, bi-polar, and more.

I called and she told me she was feeling depressed.

How do you handle when a family member is depressed, when you know exactly how they feel? For me, if I told someone I was depressed, I want to left alone. To lay in my room, and never wake up. I hate coming outside to even pee. It’s bad. So, when my mom is feeling like that, how do I help? She didn’t want to talk on the phone, and I’m afraid if I go over there, she wouldn’t want to see me.

How can I save her from herself? You know, this is exactly what I’m trying to do for myself. This journal is something that help me. What if it can help my mom? Maybe I’ll give her the link, and let her read what’s going on with me. Maybe this will make her feel like she’s not alone – without having to sit with other people. (My mom isn’t a people person, but yet, she drive a cab. Interesting…)

Ma, this is for you. If you read this, and you feel depressed or sad, know that you’re not going through this alone. Know there are millions of people out there with this dark cloud looming overhead. Know I’m here for you, and I know what you’re going through.

It get better…right…

How do you help a family member go through something you are to?