What’s your drug of choice?

Pills, Cannabis, TV?

What’s your choice of drug to help you through your bipolar mess?

I’m not going to lie. I USE cannabis. I remember a time when I would smoke and all the crazy emotions inside me would shut up. I would go into this weird zone where I would feel good and cloudy all at the same time.

Now. I USEA Cannabis but a used rug. It doesn’t do anything for me anymore. I have medication for my mind but why can’t I let this old friend go then?

I still love the way it gets me out of my mind, relaxes me, and gives me something to do but other than that it’s a stagnant bunch of crap.

What choices are you trying to get away from that popped up for you in the beginning of your journey?

Another Solider: Anthony Bourdain

I am so so surprised.

What happened? Did he leave any note? Man, I remember watching him and wanting to be him. Wanting to live his life.

His life was just like mine.

Another Solider Lost: Kate Spade

Goodbye Kate.

Your battle is over.

I’m sorry Mental Illness took you but don’t worry, millions of people will look at your story and decide suicide is not for them.

Suicide is not for you. It’s not for anyone.

Until next time…RIP

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/kate-spade-suicide-andy-spade-statement-after-designers-death-today-2018-06-06/

Gun Violence: The New Mental Illness 🤔

I recently got back into magazines and got a subscription to People.

Every week in People there is a real story about a real tragedy that always involves Mental Illness.

Instead of talking about Mental Illness and signs to help loved ones (so you dont tragically end of like that) they talk about why you wear orange…for Gun violence.

Gun violence? This man was going through severe depression and shoots himself and you blame the gun? You said before that your dad bought the gun he was okay. (or was he?) Something happened to make him not okay

It wasn’t the gun. Gun violence is horrible though but it is it just the problem.

I think if we focus more on the root of the tree, we could get to why the branches we acting crazy..

Authority vs. Mental Illed Woman.

I just shared with my boss that I’m kind of feeling salty about going down to part time. The reason I had to was because of horrible family issues.

His response was.. “well just do what I tell you and you’ll be fine”

🙄🤔

WHAT!? Do what you tell me to do? Is This isn’t a hierarchy. Is This is the ThunderDome? When was the time I did everything you tell me to and I felt fine about it?

My mental illness makes me hold on to everything and THAT was definitely something you shouldn’t have said.

Now.. I’ll probably do something shitty and regret it later but at least I know what a trigger is for me….

A U T H O R I T Y.

Don’t Look Back. You Should Never Look Back.

Fuck that title.

Today I’m doing some major reflecting.

I really don’t feel like paying a person to talk to them about my past and see what the issues are, so I guess I’d rather do it myself.

For free. Badly.

I’ve been thinking about the times in the past that I have been happy. The 90s were an easier and happier time for me. Meeting my husband and moving out of my Nana House was happy. When I was doing magazine stuff and going out and talking to people made me happy.

I’m trying to understand my horrible depressed moody mind so I don’t fall in the same old trips.

I’m tired of this

2:06am

What are YOOUU doing up?

Me? Once I wake up for my son, I’m up for 2 hours. My mind is running about everything that has ever happened to me.

😞

Although I’ve always been a night owl. Nighttime is peaceful and quiet, but my life and priorities have changed. I’m the same mentally illed lady just world shift.

Any else trying to hold on to bad habits but know your lifestyle has changed. Congrats! I’m you…only more depressed.

2:16a

No connection. Please wait..

My husband recently told me that he hasn’t been feeling like we’ve been connecting.

Yup. I told him I believe it. I don’t feel connected to anything lately. My whole life right now feels like I could give a damn.

Every chance I get I try to take a breather outside the house because I feel overwhelmed all the time, by everything.

I told him it’s my mental illness and that help is on the way but until then I’ll try to make more of an effort.

This is my way to say: “yeah right”

Ugh

Today I am feeling really shitty because of some family issues I just found out.

I’m moody, a bitch, and tired all day long.

I think this is what you call normal for me now.

Antidepressants for ALL!

People are so easy to share (with me, because my superpower is communication) that they were (KEYWORD!) on antidepressants but the got off of them.

I don’t know if I should complain that you told me and then quickly told me that you got off them OR be happy that you told me you were on antidepressants..

This all coming after I confessed that I’m feeling really depressed and that’s probably why I lost 30 pounds..

Does and has everyone taken antidepressants? And if so WHY ISN’T mental illnesses widely talked about and understand…ed?!

I’m not on antidepressants.

I should be.

I’m not on anything..(well)..but who am I to judge her anyway? Mental illness, whatever face and shape it takes, is real.

Maybe I’m just jealous she got OFF them when some people can never stop taking them, or can’t get them in he first place. ✌🏿

Now.

I feel weirder than ever.

I’m tired but yet hype

I’m thinking about things that need to be done, then switching it, switching, forgetting about the it, coming back to it.

I’m feeling my weight loss and I feel like I’m feeling myself too much. Time to get out of control.

I’m doing things I should NOT be doing.

I’m just tired y’all.

A lot of periods no commas.

Here I am again. Here I am again. Writing on the stupid blog because my fucking brain doesn’t want to cooperate anymore. This is stupid. And everywhere I freaking look there wants to be someone who has killed themselves over mental illness. That has stabbed their children. I don’t know what is going on. I don’t know if the universe is telling me to go stab my child and husband. Or I kill myself. I know it’s not saying that. But what the fuck. I am going crazy and I don’t know how to stop this roller coaster.

PS. I’m not gonna kill my husband child but God dammit.

Shit has HIT the fan. Again.

Why is it…every holiday…I go crazy? Just really insane?

I get really angry and shitty to my family. I withdrew from the world just to pop back into it tomorrow at work.

I am getting tired of exchanging my happiness for this stupid disease. This thing that had a hold on me since the beginning of this blog to now.

Now.

I thought I’ve moved on. I thought I could carry on with my life thinking it was just a sad phase. Now that there is a little me in the world and this thing keep popping it’s head up…I have to think that this is forever. Completely. 100%.

I’m tired and pissed that I am doing this again.

Send Me An Angel – Real Life

I’ve been jamming to this recently and some people might need an angel right now so..

dont give up , dont give up

Med Down! Med Down!

I’ve decided to stop my medication. My husband doesn’t think I should. I am on the edge of the line with it. I’m feeling fine, holding down a job and in internship coming up. I think the only thing it helps me with is going to sleep, which i knock out in 10 mins now instead of 100 mins.

I’m feeling okay…

but why do I have the feeling like that’s the glue.

I don’t want everything that I’m doing to be based on medication I take for a disease I can’t help. I have grown, not the meds.

Argh! I don’t know what I need to do, but I may be already leaning to a side..