Here I am again. Here I am again. Writing on the stupid blog because my fucking brain doesn’t want to cooperate anymore. This is stupid. And everywhere I freaking look there wants to be someone who has killed themselves over mental illness. That has stabbed their children. I don’t know what is going on. I don’t know if the universe is telling me to go stab my child and husband. Or I kill myself. I know it’s not saying that. But what the fuck. I am going crazy and I don’t know how to stop this roller coaster.
PS. I’m not gonna kill my husband child but God dammit.
Why is it…every holiday…I go crazy? Just really insane?
I get really angry and shitty to my family. I withdrew from the world just to pop back into it tomorrow at work.
I am getting tired of exchanging my happiness for this stupid disease. This thing that had a hold on me since the beginning of this blog to now.
I thought I’ve moved on. I thought I could carry on with my life thinking it was just a sad phase. Now that there is a little me in the world and this thing keep popping it’s head up…I have to think that this is forever. Completely. 100%.
my family made me feel like shit this Christmas, in turn, making me feel like shit the whole weekend. I spent my weekend locked up in my house, on the couch, alone. I didn’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone, hang out, nothing..
i feel bad because i feel like i ruined Christmas but the people around me didn’t care about my feelings at all so my holiday was ruined.
ugh to the people around me.
ugh to the holidays.
ugh to myself for not getting up and leaving this place when i could.
I am rolling! Rolling on the river of SUCKY people around me.
I rolling around wondering that since I don’t really horrible anymore, everyone else is..
People, big wheels keep on turning, and so does problem and this wave that is coming at you.
p.s. i’m sorry i’m so dark, but shit, you should see what’s going on on the other side of the screen…love you all though. hope your well and your mind hasn’t gotten the best of you. fight. fight. fight
I’ve decided to stop my medication. My husband doesn’t think I should. I am on the edge of the line with it. I’m feeling fine, holding down a job and in internship coming up. I think the only thing it helps me with is going to sleep, which i knock out in 10 mins now instead of 100 mins.
I’m feeling okay…
but why do I have the feeling like that’s the glue.
I don’t want everything that I’m doing to be based on medication I take for a disease I can’t help. I have grown, not the meds.
Argh! I don’t know what I need to do, but I may be already leaning to a side..
i just read somewhere that having anger or sad feelings are a normal part of life and that having them shouldn’t make you feel so extreme because they are there and will always be there! You also shouldn’t worry about getting rid of them because they are a normal part of the brain and life.
Maybe My brain is telling me something is coming? Or that something needs to be done. It is right! Something need to be done but not with my feelings, with my life. I don’t know how I’m going to do it but my anger has to be a sign for something inside or out of myself.
I wonder if my mediciation has changed my anger in anyway?
I’ve been having horrible anger issues lately. My period is coming and it always makes me a difficult person to be around but this time I feel like it is something more!
I feel trapped in my own life. It sucks just to do normal things. That and I am not smoking.
So period, feeling trapped, and not smoking has made me into a very violent extreme person. It doesn’t help that I am with someone who never recognizes the signs and feeds into it every time. I love him but it sucks that he really doesn’t understand and it’s kind of out of sign out of mind with him.
I just need to get some excitement back into my life…