Authority vs. Mental Illed Woman.

I just shared with my boss that I’m kind of feeling salty about going down to part time. The reason I had to was because of horrible family issues.

His response was.. “well just do what I tell you and you’ll be fine”

🙄🤔

WHAT!? Do what you tell me to do? Is This isn’t a hierarchy. Is This is the ThunderDome? When was the time I did everything you tell me to and I felt fine about it?

My mental illness makes me hold on to everything and THAT was definitely something you shouldn’t have said.

Now.. I’ll probably do something shitty and regret it later but at least I know what a trigger is for me….

A U T H O R I T Y.

Interviews are just ticking time bombs

I got an interview for a job today at 1230. I’m excited but I’m feeling like I always do before an interview – confident, but wary.

When it comes to me, you know that I’m not the best person to keep or maintain job relationships. I mean I’m a really good worker when I want to be, but usually my mind figures out what I’m doing and messes it up for me, but NOT THIS TIME!!!!!

THIS TIME I’m going to try to keep this job (if I get it) AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. I told myself I’d keep it for a year, but is that really something I can promise? Keeping a job is like keeping water in a bowl while running…NOT GOOD.

So what should I do to prepare myself for work again….

Anyone!? How did you get back into the working world after a crash and burn of the mind!

My husband is excited about me making money again, which is great, but he should be more concerned on how this job will go considering all my previous jobs. I hope he can see when I’m falling and helping me stand up and go back in.

Ugh. Just thinking about work scares the shit out of me, but what else am I going to do!??

I’M FREE! but why do I feel like this?

Right now, in this moment, I feel dread and uncertainty comes over me. I walked into my ex-job to sign my resignation forms and when I left I felt….blah.

It could be because I have been smoking and drinking. I have been using marijuana. I have not been taking my medication. I have really been fucking up all the good that I’ve gained… and for what? NOTHING. 

This always happens to me. I get on track, I hate being on the track, I leave the track. I’m depressed about my being on track.

UGH UGH UGH!

What is wrong with me? This isn’t mental illness. This is a curse.

I have a Mental Illness. I can’t pretend to like you.

I can’t pretend any emotions at all. If I don’t like you, you will know it. If I’m angry, you know it. If I’m sad, you know it…

The people in my life want me to pretend everyday, and well I can’t. I don’t think any diagnosed mentally illed person can.

You already know the people at my job are horrible, but now they want me to go about my day as if no one is trying to get me. They want me to laugh and joke in their faces, and well I’m not.

Actually, I don’t think ill pretend with my emotions ever again. Wherever i am. They will not overtake me..but they wont be ignored.