To KNOW or not to KNOW. Is that even a question?

Until now, I never how much someone can change incan instant. When someone says something around other people that they wouldn’t usually say…

Is that something to look into?

When out of the blue someone tells others and you something they have never told you personally, should you be concerned? How well do you know someone?
This can relate to mental illness because most people…hell majority of people don’t know about my mental illness. They see the mask I put on. So, is it okay to never tell your deepest darkness secrets to the one you love?

Is it okay to do something you hate for the sake of love/commitments?

Have I?

You’re Just Like Me: John Doe

So, you have a Mental Illness?…Which One?

Bipolar 2, Complex PTSD

When you were diagnosed, what age where you? Where were you in your life?

The PTSD diagnosis happened when I was 20-ish, it altered to CPTSD about two decades later. Bipolar was diagnosed recently (mid 40s). Where was I? I’ve never been stable for long (geographically even), but I’m standing still now.

How do you cope/relax from your mental illness?

Strict medication compliance and very lovely and loving dogs. Taking things a day, hour, minute at a time.

What are 3 words that you would describe how your illness makes you feel?

I don’t know.

If you could talk to world leaders about mental illness, what would be the one thing you discuss?

Erasing words like ‘madness’ from any discussion of it. Maybe even a new word for mental. There’s enough genetic research and science around for the current stigma to be utterly unacceptable bullshit. Grrr!

What is some advice you would give someone who is fighting mental illness?

Take your meds!

How can we keep in touch with you? (blog, Facebook, Twitter)

Double Agent

I know people with mental illness have to act like double agents everyday, but lately I have been feeling more and more unknown to myself.

everyday I wake up not knowing who I am and what I might do today. This morning, I woke up and decided that I didn’t want to go to work, so I smoked, call my job, and went back to bed. I woke up 3 hours later really kicking myself in the ass for not going.

What is going on with me? Sometimes I’m looking out through eyes that might not be mines.

Am I still going through a rebellious period? Do I have nothing to work and strive for?

Has anyone felt this way? Is it my addiction or my mental illness?

Trapped but back

Hello WordPress Family.
I am okay.

Thank you for the messages I have gotten about my absence. Everything is okay.

I haven’t been writing really because I have been trying to finally connect with my own life, which really hasn’t been working. I have been smoking incredibly too much, working, and then also moving out of one place into another.

I haven’t really felt connected to my mental illness side. My bipolar has been really reduced because of my job and medicine, which is great, but it sucks because I don’t feel like I can talk about something that I’m not suffering from at the moment, but that’s wrong. I started this blog to help myself but realize that I am helping more people than I know.

Thanks for helping me realize….so here to me…back in action..


So I finally got prescribed meds and she gave me:


WELLBUTRIN (echo…echo…echo)

Is anyone on this drug? How does it make you feel? On the fun med site that I like to use they say

“Being marketed by Glaxo sales reps, and Dr. Drew, as the “happy, horny, skinny pill.”

Is this a good thing? If it was that kind of pill, wouldn’t everyone be trying it? 

I have to take it once a day, in the morning, and then see how it goes. She warned me about headaches that can happen with it. 

I’m scared. This is my first time ever taking an anti-depressant, and well…

What do you think?



ps. here’s the site to the Wellbutrin page:

A FILLER post..boooo

I’m just checking in to see how my BP family is holding up.

I know that I have been absent lately, but know that everything is going well and I am making up for lost time and money.

Don’t worry, the next post will be filled with that’s happening, what new highs my bipolar has taken me to, and what’s next. I look forward to reading what you have been doing as well.

Good luck my friends:)

Call me Ms. Cleo

Do you believe in Astrology? Do you believe that everything is predetermined? If so,…was I meant to have Bipolar-disorder?

Why? WHY ? WWHHYY do I have this? Why can’t I stop having this? WHY am I up right now?

There are so many questions that run through my mind every second of the day, and they all start with WHY? Do psychics deal with the “why” of life too?

I can’t stop asking WHY if I wanted to. I always need to know deeper than what’s on the surface. I think that’s how I know something (or someone) is real. Research. 

For me, the WHY keeps me up at night, drives me to be angry, and make my mind run at wrap speed. So, how come I haven’t been BEAMED UP yet!

The WHYs of life are killing me right now. Its killing my BP, and I know I don’t need to have or am ever going to know the reasons behind WHY, I just hope that the WHYS are worth it…

The wheels on the bus go round and round

Yesterday I realized that my family will throw me under the bus very VERY quickly.

I won’t go into detail about what happened, but I will say that my grandmother and mother are very mean, evil, angry women. I know where it comes from now.

They talked about me so badly while I sat in the other room trying to calm down and go over what happened in my head. They talked about my friends, my wedding, and how selfish I am. They did all this under the impression that I did something that I DID NOT do.

Is this mental illness? I know my mother has one, but does my grandmother have a mental illness? It was so quick for them to jump on me and make me feel like shit, and show no remorse about it when I told then what really happened.

My nana gave me a really lame ‘if I’m wrong, I’m sorry’ but how could you say the things you did and then 30 mins be sorry…

I don’t know how to handle this. It’s not like I can change the family I have, but it seems like every member of my family aren’t happy.They are mean, selfish, uncaring people, yet they expect me to help and care for them. To be like their needing and sounding board.

I am really going through something right now. The whole beginning of this year has been challenging my mental illness, my body, and my heart. I will get through this though and be a better person and supporter to the people I know and love, but I will never give my family all of myself anymore.

That’s just for me.

Turning in a Vampire.

I hate sleeping nowadays. Between my fiance snoring me to death, the rain machine, and the space heater loudness, I am NOT sleeping. They all wouldn’t be the problem if I could just shut my brain off as well.

I wish I was still on Seroquel. 

I wish I could lay my head down, like my fiance, and knock out. That’s how you know he isn’t plagued with mental illness, when they knock out in two seconds. Doushe…

Now, I’m patrolling the internet like a dog in heat. Waiting for something interesting to catch my eye so I can start counting sheep. I even made a cup of tea.

I’m trying to keep a lid on my personal life and with little sleep and not smoking or drinking, I feel like this is going to get uglier before its gets okay. 

Any sleep remedies you use?

I meant the RED pill!

I took a pill yesterday that was not mine, and I’m paying for it right now.

I feel anxious, and jiggery. I hate hate hate it. Don’t ask me why I did it. It was a stupid move, but what’s really stupid about it was, I googled it before I did it.

I guess that was my way of checking it out so I didn’t really die, BUT I feel like I’m dying though.

Agh! Advice to myself: go back to the doctor, get back on my own meds regime, and never replay.

This rabbit hole is deep.

Everything will be fine

I keep telling myself that.

Not everything happens on my own time and that’s it. Finding a job has been a letdown enough. I can’t keep having this blah attitude.

Its happy or die.
Laugh or drown
Relax or fail

I’ve started working out alot to keep my mind in check. I have started smoking and drinking again, which isn’t good for me, but its only social times. I’m not drinking by myself…yet.

There is a million things right now I can be sad about, but I will not let my mind get this way. I will be strong for myself.

For all of us.