Depressed & Restless

I am feeling so depressed and restless.

I have reasons:

1. I got a job, but it turned out to be just part time when I thought it was going to be full time. I know I shouldn’t be depressed about that, but dddaaammmnnnitttt!!!!

2. I don’t have money to do anything. At all. I had to lie and cancel my therapist appt today because I didn’t have 25.00 to spare.

3. We have no heat in our house right now until after the weekend. So, we are pretty much sitting in front of heaters not moving. Its 48 degrees in my house right now, and tonight its going to snow. Booooooooo.

4. I still have NO IDEA what I am doing at any moment in my day, life, year, forever. Its really frustrating, but I’m still in such a rut.

I thought by not drinking or smoking and taking meds that I would finally understand what was going on with me and start to live, but lately all I have been doing is the waiting game. Also it doesn’t help that I got into another argument with my husband over something dumb last night. While I have to deal with me, I also have to mother him, which isn’t fair. Uugghhhh!!

I hate feeling like this.

Support Systems are for Blogs only. Right??

Last night we went over friends’ house, and well, I felt…kind of pressured.

I felt pressured because my friends are drinkers and smokers, and they don’t understand why I stopped. It got so bad that even my husband, who KNOWS why I had to quit, questioned me. They questioned if I was going to drink when one of my friend’s birthday party came up this month. I told them no. They seemed really let down, like I’m not fun without being F&^ked up. My husband then said I could drink wine..

Wow.

Now..I know that our friendship in the beginning was based on the fact that I partied with them, but things changed. I’ve changed. It sucks to think that my friends don’t see why its not good to always get high or drink.  It sucks to think my husband switches up when he goes over there with them. We were suppose to be doing this together, a sort of check and balances thing, you know…

I love my friends and will always try to connect with them on whatever level I can, but now that I’m straight-edge and don’t do those things anymore, its lonely. I want to be healthier, happier, mental stable, and I can not do that on drugs and alcohol. Shit,  one beer on these meds make me have the biggest headache that lasts for TWO DAYS.

I don’t want to lose my friends, but I don’t know how to make them see..

ALSO, I don’t want to make them feel like I’m judging them for doing those things..but I kind of am. Is that wrong? Yes, yes it is, but how can I help it when one of them told me they were going to quit, and the other is my husband who conked out on me..

I don’t have a good support team in my life outside of the blogging world, and you know what..I’m okay with that. Not everyone needs to support me other than myself.

Does your Spouse care? Mine…

Today is my week and 2 days not smoking. Its hard! Especially when your with friends that smoke. Last night was the biggest test for myself…and.

I PASSED!

No literally, I passed it around to someone else. Neither my husband or I lit up, which is a great feeling. I finally feel like I have a gasp on something. Well that all went way as soon as. I got home. My husband…

Sigh.

My husband isn’t a motivator or an acknowledger, will never be a motivator or an acknowledger, and I need to remember this from now on.

We got in a huge fight (which I will tell you I didn’t feel that angry about at all, and kind still don’t) about him not acknowledging me NOT smoking. We got into the car, and about 15 mins into going home I turn to him and say “good job on not smoking!”. He said thanks. I waited for him to say it back, but he didn’t. I then ask him if he was going to tell me it back and he BLOWS UP! Saying he was going to do it on his own time, and now it means nothing if he says it, and that I’m going to hold it over his head forever.

The funny thing is, I think he only got mad because he wasn’t going to say it at all. He wasn’t even thinking about saying it. The other day he even asks why I even keeping track of my non-smoking days..

I guess my challenges are not significant enough for him to acknowledge? Maybe I’m asking too much from him to say good job to me? Maybe he just doesn’t seem to notice how much good I’m doing for myself…but should he?

Should he motivate and encourage me through stuff that’s really my problem anyways?

After all was done, He got really really mad that I didn’t say good night to him before going to bed, but I told him that I would do it in my own time….like him…

How much are spouses suppose to care??

P.s.: HAPPY WEEK AND TWO DAYS TO ME! Feeling good!