Bipolar,Unemployed & Lost

what a blog.

what a cool tool for myself and people out there to read and relate. I still get emails asking me to help spread the word and bring people to resources and help and hope.

ugh.

where did the time go?

I don’t want to let anyone down but would I be right to say I don’t have the time to continue this blog? Would I be wrong to say I can’t?

 

An old pal…

So I feel like I MAYbe heading into chaos again. I took a wrong turn on my path of turning my life around. Now. I’m have faced some consequences already.

Today I did not go to work. I faked sick so I could go to my med appointment and also because…

…I’ve started back smoking. I have only done this for a week and a day, which was yesterday. I feel like its sucking me back in to the old me. The me that didn’t do anything but smoke, lay around, be forgetful, but felt okay. Weed was my commander and I’m just the vessel. I don’t want to do that anymore.

Also, I have been eating everything in sight, without any care. I think I may have gained 5 pounds this week alone. I woke up with really bad heartburn. My mind and body are not one.

I need more control.
How do you self control??

Books That Inspire: NIKKI SIXX’s Heroin Diaries: A Year In the Life of A Shattered Rockstar

I don’t know why I looked this book up. On the news, they said that  once this tour was over, Mötley Crüe was going to end it. Then someone said that Nikki Sixx actually died (which I didn’t know), and then I looked him up and found out that he wrote a book based on his diary he kept in the 80s. I got intrigued.

So, I looked online for the PDF and found it:

http://ftp.linuxolution.org/theheroindiaries.pdf

I found that it’s actually really good, and it dives right into his addiction and pain. It made me feel the same way I did when I was smoking. I wanted to stop, but couldn’t because I felt like I needed it. I felt like nothing without it. It also talks about VANITY, and I loved some vanity…(now she doesn’t go by vanity, and turned into an Evangelist)

If you need a good read about the effects of drugs, read this.

If you’re trying to stop doing drugs, read this.

If your thinking about starting drugs, read this.

Now, Nikki Sixx is clean, but just think what would have happened if he didn’t stop. This book would not be here, and a tour would have been looong gone.

Drugs sucks.

Support Systems are for Blogs only. Right??

Last night we went over friends’ house, and well, I felt…kind of pressured.

I felt pressured because my friends are drinkers and smokers, and they don’t understand why I stopped. It got so bad that even my husband, who KNOWS why I had to quit, questioned me. They questioned if I was going to drink when one of my friend’s birthday party came up this month. I told them no. They seemed really let down, like I’m not fun without being F&^ked up. My husband then said I could drink wine..

Wow.

Now..I know that our friendship in the beginning was based on the fact that I partied with them, but things changed. I’ve changed. It sucks to think that my friends don’t see why its not good to always get high or drink.  It sucks to think my husband switches up when he goes over there with them. We were suppose to be doing this together, a sort of check and balances thing, you know…

I love my friends and will always try to connect with them on whatever level I can, but now that I’m straight-edge and don’t do those things anymore, its lonely. I want to be healthier, happier, mental stable, and I can not do that on drugs and alcohol. Shit,  one beer on these meds make me have the biggest headache that lasts for TWO DAYS.

I don’t want to lose my friends, but I don’t know how to make them see..

ALSO, I don’t want to make them feel like I’m judging them for doing those things..but I kind of am. Is that wrong? Yes, yes it is, but how can I help it when one of them told me they were going to quit, and the other is my husband who conked out on me..

I don’t have a good support team in my life outside of the blogging world, and you know what..I’m okay with that. Not everyone needs to support me other than myself.

Carroll weighs in on medicinal pot

Carroll weighs in on medicinal pot

So, wait a dog on minute!

A coach from a BAZILLION dollar sports industry kind of agreed with medicinal marijuana? Really?

So, when is it going to be really MEDICINAL everywhere? Because it’s popping up ALOT!

The NFL is a huge company and arena around the world, and for one of their own to talk about marijuana in a way such as this makes me feel like a revolution is coming.

Next, lets test strains, find out which ones really helps and not make you addicted and lazy, and start putting it into the world for mental illness patients, because does millionaires who play a sport really need marijuana? really??

Mental Illness x Marijuana x3

http://www.utsandiego.com/news/2014/jan/19/letters-marijuana-gloria-gun/

“Researchers from the University of Bristol, Imperial College and Cambridge University examined 35 studies that tracked tens of thousands of people for periods ranging from one year to 27 years to examine the effects of marijuana use on mental health. They found that people who used marijuana had roughly a 40 percent higher chance of developing a psychotic disorder later in life. Dr. Wilson Compton, a senior scientist at the National Institute on Drug Abuse in Washington, called the study persuasive.”

Does anyone believe that what you read in the news isn’t anyways the truth? I do. I mean, I know I have blogged about marijuana and mental illness before, but this time, I am not so sure.

I mean everyone’s body and mind are different. They are effected by different things, we have different senses and thoughts, so how can marijuana really do that to everyone? I have stopped using weed because, for me, it wasn’t helping me anymore. It became an ADDICTION. An addiction that helped my mind, yes, but an addiction nonetheless. I think that marijuana helps people with mental illness. It shuts your mind out, makes you feel okay and creative. It brings people closer to other people. It’s a revenue to millions of families out there…

but..

the more its okay in the world to use legally, the more the news is going to tell you bad shit. Isn’t that how the world works?

The people in power are always holding the big stick..

Smoke. Don’t smoke. Its your choice. Yours alone.

Marijuana x Mental Illness x2

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This quote comes from the New England Journal Of Medicine –

“Using marijuana can certainly contribute to or worsen depression. Low motivation, fatigue, and withdrawal from positive activities are central features of depression and marijuana can worsen each of those problems. Some people do say that marijuana dulls anxiety or negative feelings. But it also dulls energy and motivation. And we know that activation and engagement are key parts of recovery from depression.

Marijuana can be even more troublesome for people—especially younger people below the age of 40 and above the age of 18—who live with bipolar disorder. In addition to worsening depression, marijuana can increase the likelihood of experiencing symptoms of psychosis—like hallucinations or paranoid ideas. In younger people who are at higher risk for bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, using marijuana increases the chances of developing a severe or disabling”

stole this from: http://theobsidiansinners.wordpress.com

what do you believe…?

Marijuana x Bipolar DOES (not) MIX!

I am feeling so SHITTY right now, and it’s not because of Bipolar…

MARIJUANA IS A HORRIBLE DRUG! Well, not really, but when you use it to put your mind in check for so long, and go without it..

It is a shit.

I’m at the point where I don’t know where my Marijuana begins, and my Bipolar life ends. It has been fused together for so long, but I have made a promise to my FUTURE self, that I will stop smoking, get help, exercise, and start to do this the right way.

How many people use marijuana for their mental illness? How many people use the drug, abuse the drug, and then TRY to get off of it just to find themselves feeling horrible in the end? I must not be the only one..

My husband last night, actually got mad at me again about MONEY. Apparently, I use too much money for weed and not enough on other things. THIS IS TRUE, yes, but this thing I’m using is helping me continue to be that girl you once knew, and not Mrs. Hyde – the monster.

I’m feeling so drained, so pulled in different directions, so lame, so ugh, so much.

Americans see U.S. losing ground against mental illness, prescription drug abuse

Americans see U.S. losing ground against mental illness, prescription drug abuse

“When it comes to mental illness,  just 19% say the nation is making progress in dealing with the disease while 16% say it is making progress on prescription drug abuse. Significantly more Americans say the country is losing ground on these two problems (35% on mental illness, 37% on prescription drug abuse). Those are the most pessimistic measures for any of the seven public health issues included in the survey.”

UGH! DUH! This is just the beginning for mental illness to pop up as a major threat in the U.S. Other countries have already started to become aware of this illness. America is still waiting..

Waiting for an mentally – illed person to shoot up another school, perhaps..

My question is…what exactly are we waiting for?

Also, who are these “Americans” they talked to? Did they have a mental illness? Did they even know what a mental illness consist of? Were they insurance agents?