Standing Stagnant

I am sorry I have been so silent lately…

There has been nothing on my mind to write. Literally, all my drive has slipped away from me. I feel like, everyday, I’m slipping deeper and deeper into something I have no clue how to explain.

Writing out my feelings and problems has always helped me in the past, but now, I feel like writing it makes it just another problem that I haven’t solved, but put into words.

I have no action plan, no script for anything I am doing.

I have started a new job, which is great, B U T, I semi-kinda-don’t like it. It’s not professional, and I am not making any connections, money, or learning anything new. It is in my degree field, but its the lowest of the low. I will have to work at it if I am to making anything come from this job. I don’t know if I want to do that..

…I don’t know what I want to do.

Or need to do

Or can do.

I’m feeling really hopeless.

A slow toxin called ANGER

I am so angry right now, at everyone and everything.

Before, when I got angry I’d just spill it all out and say things I didn’t mean, and do things I really didn’t want to do. I had no control. Now, my angry seems almost serial killer like.

No, I’m not going to kill, but I just feel empty. I feel like an empty angry shell. I don’t really want to be angry, but I’m always playing the bigger person. I always play the its okay role, and then two seconds I’m back to the outgoing-nothing-is-wrong girl. This time, my angry is a slow toxic gas that waits to fill up the room until it kills you.

I haven’t said much to my husband or friends or myself in a couple of days. I haven’t really had any motivation to do anything other than eat, shit, sleep.

What am I to do about this? How do o release it? Exercise? Mediation? Food? I don’t want to do any of those, and there is no heat in my house, so moving around is a hell no.

I am one tough cookie to crack. I know more about myself than a fucking stranger. What is really bothering me!?

Depressed & Restless

I am feeling so depressed and restless.

I have reasons:

1. I got a job, but it turned out to be just part time when I thought it was going to be full time. I know I shouldn’t be depressed about that, but dddaaammmnnnitttt!!!!

2. I don’t have money to do anything. At all. I had to lie and cancel my therapist appt today because I didn’t have 25.00 to spare.

3. We have no heat in our house right now until after the weekend. So, we are pretty much sitting in front of heaters not moving. Its 48 degrees in my house right now, and tonight its going to snow. Booooooooo.

4. I still have NO IDEA what I am doing at any moment in my day, life, year, forever. Its really frustrating, but I’m still in such a rut.

I thought by not drinking or smoking and taking meds that I would finally understand what was going on with me and start to live, but lately all I have been doing is the waiting game. Also it doesn’t help that I got into another argument with my husband over something dumb last night. While I have to deal with me, I also have to mother him, which isn’t fair. Uugghhhh!!

I hate feeling like this.

Feeling worthless.

I am sitting alone in my house right now. Waiting. Waiting to understand how I got to here. I am feeling shitty, and out-of-place, in my own house.

My husband and I had an argument over money, which is probably normal, but what’s not normal is how I feel right now. One time today he told me if we broke up that he would he okay (life-wise/money-wise). Another time (during an argument) he told me that the money in the house was coming from him…and him only.

Both of which are true.

If we broke up, I would have no life. Nothing to call my mine, but the clothes on my back. I also don’t contribute to any of the bills. I sometimes buy food with the little paycheck I do get…once a month.

My mental illness has set me so far back, I feel like I have nothing of my own. I don’t have anything to say “I paid for that” or “I achieved this” in my life. It really sucks because before in my life I was the bread-winner. Ms. Independent. Now.. I’m mrs-got-nothing-at-all.

Mrs-what-the-hell-am-I-doing-at-all.

Finding a job is hard right now because I am waiting for my body to be clean of marijuana, and in my area there are no decent jobs. I have been on a couple of interviews, but I am not hopefully, at all. All I can think about when I think about employment is “Is my mind going to fuck this up again?”.

Now, my husband thinks I’m going to hold what he said over his head for life, but I’m not. I’m going to hold it over mine.

I feel like the biggest loser ever. I feel like I was never accomplish anything. I feel so shitty. I feel so broke down. I feel so unable.

Books That Inspire: NIKKI SIXX’s Heroin Diaries: A Year In the Life of A Shattered Rockstar

I don’t know why I looked this book up. On the news, they said that  once this tour was over, Mötley Crüe was going to end it. Then someone said that Nikki Sixx actually died (which I didn’t know), and then I looked him up and found out that he wrote a book based on his diary he kept in the 80s. I got intrigued.

So, I looked online for the PDF and found it:

Click to access theheroindiaries.pdf

I found that it’s actually really good, and it dives right into his addiction and pain. It made me feel the same way I did when I was smoking. I wanted to stop, but couldn’t because I felt like I needed it. I felt like nothing without it. It also talks about VANITY, and I loved some vanity…(now she doesn’t go by vanity, and turned into an Evangelist)

If you need a good read about the effects of drugs, read this.

If you’re trying to stop doing drugs, read this.

If your thinking about starting drugs, read this.

Now, Nikki Sixx is clean, but just think what would have happened if he didn’t stop. This book would not be here, and a tour would have been looong gone.

Drugs sucks.

Unemployed…again.

I lost my job today and I’m semi upset about it.

I’m upset because I have to find another job, and that’s hard because there are no jobs.

I’m upset because I can’t find a decent job until the marijuana has disappeared from my system, which takes a month.

I’m upset because I’m about to go on meds, and I didn’t want to find a job until I was settled into that.

I’m upset because losing a job is always stressful and upsetting.

I don’t want to do the whole WOE IS ME thing, but damn damn damn damn.

Damn.

Pulled, like a string.

Right now, I’m feeling mixed. There is nothing really wrong me with, but there is. I feel pulled in two different directions with my mind.

I didn’t start feeling like this until later on in the day, after I got some errands ran. Afterwards, I felt ugh and low, but not depressed. Not until my husband came home from work did I really start to feel bad. He came in in a rare mood – he was irritable and moody, but made my mood worse. He just doesn’t understand what its like for me, to deal with this everyday. I try to tell him how I feel, but every time I do he stops me and says ‘Oh, I know what your going to say’ and ‘You always say this when you get depressed’. Soon, there might not be ME to talk to you. I might actually lose it and then what…

How can I stop this heavy blanket of shit from falling all over me. I tried to so mindfulness. I tried to focus my thoughts onto something else, but got pulled under before it even made a different.

Anger, depression, sadness, feeling like I HAVE to be doing something more. All of these feelings run through me 24/7. I wake up because of it. I get high because of it. I blog because of it. It seems like the only real thing I have are these feelings..

the only real thing..

Bipolar, Unemployed, and Lost…still!!

Lately, I have been feeling really mixed with taking meds or not taking meds.

I am FINALLY seeing a therapist, who is teaching me things to settle this anger inside of me and to help my brain stop thinking so much, but I don’t think it’s working, aka, mindfulness.

I don’t think it’s working because of my drug use. My brain, now, seems to be on auto pilot, so it seems that if I’m going to make this work, I have to quit smoking.

Actually, yesterday, I smoked and completely forgot a work meeting I was suppose to attend to. I had to lie to my boss because I am such a idiot.

I HAD TO LIE. Wow. I don’t know how many times I’ve lied to people because I was high, or to lazy to get up and go.

Right now I do to know who I am because of this cloud around me. Ugh. I know I keep posting about the same problem over and over, but it annoys me that I can’t get it together and get better. It’s like I like to stay this way forever, and that’s NOT the case.

The case is I’m bipolar, unemployed, and lost…still..

Marijuana x Bipolar DOES (not) MIX!

I am feeling so SHITTY right now, and it’s not because of Bipolar…

MARIJUANA IS A HORRIBLE DRUG! Well, not really, but when you use it to put your mind in check for so long, and go without it..

It is a shit.

I’m at the point where I don’t know where my Marijuana begins, and my Bipolar life ends. It has been fused together for so long, but I have made a promise to my FUTURE self, that I will stop smoking, get help, exercise, and start to do this the right way.

How many people use marijuana for their mental illness? How many people use the drug, abuse the drug, and then TRY to get off of it just to find themselves feeling horrible in the end? I must not be the only one..

My husband last night, actually got mad at me again about MONEY. Apparently, I use too much money for weed and not enough on other things. THIS IS TRUE, yes, but this thing I’m using is helping me continue to be that girl you once knew, and not Mrs. Hyde – the monster.

I’m feeling so drained, so pulled in different directions, so lame, so ugh, so much.

Insurance for Mental Health patients SUCKS BIG ONES!

Okay, so I don’t know where you live, but I live in the United States, and I can tell you from semi-experience that having a mental illness is like having the plague when it comes to the insurance people.

Why? Aren’t we the ones using it more? Won’t the insurance companies get WAY MORE out of us then some healthy brained DOUSHE!?

Why am I so upset? Well my husband and I took out life insurance polices, and our financial advisor told us that the insurance company might turn me down because of having bipolar disorder! TURN ME DOWN? WHAT? WHY? Actually, the insurance people can turn you down for anything pre-condition.

FUCK YOU to them! How dare you dangle something that will HELP MY LIFE and make me become healthy but not give it to me because you think I am a flight risk. How dare you tell me that my husband can’t get help if I die because an illness that DOESN’T DIRECTLY AFFECT HIM! How are you putting stipulations on my wellness?

So does that mean everyone that has ever had ANYTHING in their lives is a risk?

I wonder how many top officials that make these stupid rules have a mental illness, or have a family member or friend with mental illness? I bet you that they bend the rules for the  SCROOGE MCDUCKS of the world

Image

How ironic. The one thing really meant to help us is a Indiana Jones boulder…just coming at us…running us over.

FUCK INSURANCE and INSURANCE PEOPLE.