I have tried to write a freakin blog post for about two days and I haven’t been able to.
I don’t want to keep writing about how much this sucks and I don’t want to start something and stop again. Mental illness is such a hard topic to blog about because when you are smack dab in the middle of it yourself, it gets lost.
I brought back my site address www.bipolarunemployedlost.com because I know people suffering in the now are still finding this site. Whether if it started about me, things have changed.
I again, I feel like shit. My mind is running. I got too much energy and give it away too quickly, leaving me with nothing. I feel hard and emotionless.
Here I am again. Here I am again. Writing on the stupid blog because my fucking brain doesn’t want to cooperate anymore. This is stupid. And everywhere I freaking look there wants to be someone who has killed themselves over mental illness. That has stabbed their children. I don’t know what is going on. I don’t know if the universe is telling me to go stab my child and husband. Or I kill myself. I know it’s not saying that. But what the fuck. I am going crazy and I don’t know how to stop this roller coaster.
PS. I’m not gonna kill my husband child but God dammit.
I’ve been keeping busy to stop thinking crappy about myself and my life.
I have decided to become a Girl Scout Volunteer. Last weekend was my first GS Camp, and I loved it. I was tired and hungry by the end of it, but the girls were so cute and volunteering really helped me think of other things.
Now I am running again. I am in NY to see my family, which is helping but my mother (and maybe my grandmother) have a mental illness so sometimes its hard also.
I am running from myself, my home, my illness, my responsibilities, my pending fate…
Right now, in this moment, I feel dread and uncertainty comes over me. I walked into my ex-job to sign my resignation forms and when I left I felt….blah.
It could be because I have been smoking and drinking. I have been using marijuana. I have not been taking my medication. I have really been fucking up all the good that I’ve gained… and for what? NOTHING.
This always happens to me. I get on track, I hate being on the track, I leave the track. I’m depressed about my being on track.
UGH UGH UGH!
What is wrong with me? This isn’t mental illness. This is a curse.
So I feel like I MAYbe heading into chaos again. I took a wrong turn on my path of turning my life around. Now. I’m have faced some consequences already.
Today I did not go to work. I faked sick so I could go to my med appointment and also because…
…I’ve started back smoking. I have only done this for a week and a day, which was yesterday. I feel like its sucking me back in to the old me. The me that didn’t do anything but smoke, lay around, be forgetful, but felt okay. Weed was my commander and I’m just the vessel. I don’t want to do that anymore.
Also, I have been eating everything in sight, without any care. I think I may have gained 5 pounds this week alone. I woke up with really bad heartburn. My mind and body are not one.
Jobs are for brains that can make plans and stick with them. Jobs are for people who can go with the flow, and not just be pretending to.
My new job is working in retail. I am a visual merchandising assistant. I make a little above minimum wage, but that’s not the problem..
..the problem is that I work with young, backstabbing, vain, horrible, non professional people. These are the kind of people that make cliques and make everyone else who isn’t in it feel like outsiders. They are really fake and mean to people whom they don’t deem fashionable enough.
The other day I got sent in the office for a talk because I had ask for my boss’s boss opinion on a project I was doing. She helped me and was really okay about it, but then turned around and told my boss that I didn’t know what I was doing, and that he must not be training me right! She got all of that from me asking her advice! My bosses told me to never talk to her again because she just acts like that about everything. Basically, she is out to get me. THEN they told me that I need to calm down because I am just an assistant and that my enthusiasm was too much!!
Too much?? Too much?? If they only knew how much I needed and wanted a job! How much effort it takes me to keep something because of my mental illness! It shocked me!
Now, I’m sitting in-between a rock and a hard place because I need and like what I do, but the people are not my cup of tea.