No connection. Please wait..

My husband recently told me that he hasn’t been feeling like we’ve been connecting.

Yup. I told him I believe it. I don’t feel connected to anything lately. My whole life right now feels like I could give a damn.

Every chance I get I try to take a breather outside the house because I feel overwhelmed all the time, by everything.

I told him it’s my mental illness and that help is on the way but until then I’ll try to make more of an effort.

This is my way to say: “yeah right”

Antidepressants for ALL!

People are so easy to share (with me, because my superpower is communication) that they were (KEYWORD!) on antidepressants but the got off of them.

I don’t know if I should complain that you told me and then quickly told me that you got off them OR be happy that you told me you were on antidepressants..

This all coming after I confessed that I’m feeling really depressed and that’s probably why I lost 30 pounds..

Does and has everyone taken antidepressants? And if so WHY ISN’T mental illnesses widely talked about and understand…ed?!

I’m not on antidepressants.

I should be.

I’m not on anything..(well)..but who am I to judge her anyway? Mental illness, whatever face and shape it takes, is real.

Maybe I’m just jealous she got OFF them when some people can never stop taking them, or can’t get them in he first place. ✌🏿

Oh geez, is that a rant?

I have tried to write a freakin blog post for about two days and I haven’t been able to.

I don’t want to keep writing about how much this sucks and I don’t want to start something and stop again. Mental illness is such a hard topic to blog about because when you are smack dab in the middle of it yourself, it gets lost.

I brought back my site address www.bipolarunemployedlost.com because I know people suffering in the now are still finding this site. Whether if it started about me, things have changed.

I again, I feel like shit. My mind is running. I got too much energy and give it away too quickly, leaving me with nothing. I feel hard and emotionless.

im everywhere but nothing is moving

Now.

I feel weirder than ever.

I’m tired but yet hype

I’m thinking about things that need to be done, then switching it, switching, forgetting about the it, coming back to it.

I’m feeling my weight loss and I feel like I’m feeling myself too much. Time to get out of control.

I’m doing things I should NOT be doing.

I’m just tired y’all.

A lot of periods no commas.

Here I am again. Here I am again. Writing on the stupid blog because my fucking brain doesn’t want to cooperate anymore. This is stupid. And everywhere I freaking look there wants to be someone who has killed themselves over mental illness. That has stabbed their children. I don’t know what is going on. I don’t know if the universe is telling me to go stab my child and husband. Or I kill myself. I know it’s not saying that. But what the fuck. I am going crazy and I don’t know how to stop this roller coaster.

PS. I’m not gonna kill my husband child but God dammit.

Shit has HIT the fan. Again.

Why is it…every holiday…I go crazy? Just really insane?

I get really angry and shitty to my family. I withdrew from the world just to pop back into it tomorrow at work.

I am getting tired of exchanging my happiness for this stupid disease. This thing that had a hold on me since the beginning of this blog to now.

Now.

I thought I’ve moved on. I thought I could carry on with my life thinking it was just a sad phase. Now that there is a little me in the world and this thing keep popping it’s head up…I have to think that this is forever. Completely. 100%.

I’m tired and pissed that I am doing this again.

Too much power

I have too much power over people’s emotions.

Today. I found out that my former friend/manager is telling people that I had a fight with him and the only person to witness it was Clay. Now to make my job harder I have to come into work with people who don’t know how to handle me because they think I am pissed..

Which I am.

I’m pissed because my so called friend/manager couldn’t handle me getting upset, couldn’t defend me, and told me that it’s part of my job to do things outside of my job and don’t worry about ever doing anything here because it doesn’t matter.

Funny when my signage on the board for promos is now being taken over by someone who thinks it’s a good idea… the seeds I planted had started to grow but now they will die because I want them to.

What you don’t do as a manager is tell a good employee that what they do doesn’t matter and fuck it, don’t work hard. 

It’s sad because they are reflecting their unhappiness on me and I can’t be apart of it anymore. I’m more…

Too bad. Now work is going to be really really dry. 

My men

I love my men. They make sure I’m okay. Tonight as soon as I came in Roundhouse sensed something and wanted to be near me for real. He even laid on me while I nursed Bear.

Bear waiting up for me without crying to tell me he was up and wanted to eat. It was nice because I got to see him before I went to sleep

And Bell loves the shit out of me. He jut doesn’t know how to make me feel better.

I love them…really

Work really

I have decided not to be who I really am at work anymore. My manager/friend really made me feel like nothing at work. If I even try a little nothing I do will matter, no one will take notice, and it’s “apart of my job anyway”

Ha! Well I’m secretly planning my escape but it’s going to be kind of hard considering my car just broke down today …

Positivity..

so

i told my son tonight that i wont be like my mother. i wont tell him im going to stop and not stop. drug aren’t good for me. not good for my son…

no hard drugs – pleeaassseee but marijuana. im still using this drug mindlessly becsuse i think i need it. i dont need it anymore. i dont need my mind to float i need it to stay and look at my son.

look at my life.

i have been feeling really powerless lately. been crying and laughing really weirdly.

how did i end up exactly at the same spot i was?

because i never really did shit.

 

hello again. my name is OHTEMP, and this is Bipolar, Employed & STILL LOST.

Pregnancy and Bipolar Disorder an Article by Gemma Hales

Gemma sent me this wonderful article she wrote about Pregnancy and Bipolar and I want to share it with you all. Thanks Gemma for such great info!!
Understanding Bipolar in Pregnancy

Did you know that historically doctors would advise women who suffered from bipolar disorder simply to not get pregnant? Yep, really. Not only was this idea impractical (studies show that in 2011 almost half of the 6.1 pregnancies in the US were unplanned and this can happen regardless of a woman’s mental health status) but completely heartbreaking for bipolar women who desperately want to be mothers and are more than capable of doing so. Thankfully this advice is now seen as outdated and focus is given to specialist, individual care rather than complete avoidance of pregnancy. But that doesn’t mean that it’s all plain sailing. Pregnancy can be challenging for any woman but for those with bipolar disorder there are a lot more tricky choices and special considerations to be made. Understanding bipolar disorder and the ways in which it can affect pregnancy is the first step in making an educated decision about how to effectively manage the two conditions together. Here are some things to think about.

What are the risks?

The biggest dilemma of becoming pregnant when you are being treated for bipolar is whether or not to continue with the medication. Unfortunately most types of medication used to treat bipolar carry some risk of birth defect and other complications such as cardiovascular problems, cleft palate and overall development. But stopping the medication can lead to a significantly higher risk of relapse for the mother during pregnancy and beyond. Most doctors would advise that if you discover you are pregnant while taking bipolar medication you do not stop taking it until you have consulted a doctor. It is also worth remembering that bipolar can first present itself during pregnancy, particularly if there is a family history of it so even if you are not aware of having had the condition previously, you should still be alert for any symptoms.

What should I do if I want to plan a pregnancy?

Most women are advised to take folate when attempting to conceive. This helps reduce the risk of birth defects and malformations and is particularly important in those taking medication for bipolar. If you are thinking of planning a pregnancy it is important to have a full consultation with a doctor who can assess your individual case and advise the best course of action. Generally it is best to plan a conception while not on any form of medication – the first trimester of pregnancy is a crucial and vulnerable time where abnormalities may be more likely to develop than further on in the pregnancy. Having said that, the case will need to be assessed on the needs of the mother, the severity of her symptoms and the likelihood of a relapse.

How do I cope during pregnancy?

Coping during pregnancy means balancing the needs of the mother alongside the wellbeing of the developing foetus and finding some ground whereupon they are both as safe as well cared for as possible. To do this, very regular consultations with psychiatrists and obstetricians alike. Understand that the risk of a manic or depressive episode is considerably higher during pregnancy and so it is extremely important to try to pre-empt the symptoms in order to get help quickly if necessary. Try keeping a mood diary to help flag up any warning signs and if you are really struggling speak to your doctor or psychiatrist about the safest type of medication during pregnancy – there are some (such as lithium) that are considered safer than others. For any woman, taking care of herself is the first step in taking care of her unborn child. Bear this in mind and be kind to yourself. Living an overall healthy lifestyle with a good, nutritious diet alongside gentle exercise and regular sleeping patterns may also help you feel better.

What about afterwards?

Unfortunately the troubles don’t always end after pregnancy. Sadly studies show that bipolar women are almost 100 times more likely to suffer from postpartum psychosis than other women. Dealing with such a terrifying and debilitating condition alongside caring for a newborn baby can be extremely challenging and for some women who suffer from this, the best option is a stay in a residential hospital where they are able to be cared for while having their baby with them. Otherwise, regular consultations with your medical team and review/introduction back onto your medication can help improve symptoms although it may restrict you from breastfeeding.