I’M FREE! but why do I feel like this?

Right now, in this moment, I feel dread and uncertainty comes over me. I walked into my ex-job to sign my resignation forms and when I left I felt….blah.

It could be because I have been smoking and drinking. I have been using marijuana. I have not been taking my medication. I have really been fucking up all the good that I’ve gained… and for what? NOTHING. 

This always happens to me. I get on track, I hate being on the track, I leave the track. I’m depressed about my being on track.

UGH UGH UGH!

What is wrong with me? This isn’t mental illness. This is a curse.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “I’M FREE! but why do I feel like this?

  1. THe world keeps wanting us to be on the hamster wheel with the rest of them. Bipolar people tend to not be wired that way. I found peace in doing part-time work, just enough to add to my disability benefits without jeopardizing them. But I have that luxury because my husband has a good job. Have you ever tried freelance writing? No overhead other than the internet connection, you can write about whatever you want, and get paid for it too. You can do it at your own pace, too. Running a blog is a lot like it. I’ve just started blogging myself at http://www.julielwhitehead.wordpress.com. If you have the discipline to blog, you have the discipline to be a freelance writer.

  2. I think it is the medication, or lack thereof, and you know that.
    I gave up any recreational drugs a long time ago and don’t even contemplate using them as they will cloud my thinking so that I would not know what is the BiPolar and what is drug induced.
    They may provide a short term relief but that will be all.

  3. I agree with jennchristie, find something to re-channel your energy. Try to stop with the alcohol and smoking aswell. They are short term band aids but don’t do us any good long term. Find that thing that sparks a fire inside of you, try to find a reason to get up every day and if you can try to get your meds back on track, it’s easy to forget how much good they do us.

  4. 😦 The mindset that I try to put myself in when it gets to that point is, “what goes down, must come up!” I can see that this is a really awful time for you… be kind to yourself. Bipolar is unpredictable, it’s not your fault, and it does feel like a curse sometimes! How do you re-channel your energy? What do you find is good for you? It’s hard to answer those questions in this state of mind, but when you can… try. Its the little things that we do for ourselves that give us the ultimate therapy. Well that’s what I think. For me it’s artsy stuff. For my friend, its anything in nature. We all have our ‘thing’.

Rant on, my friends!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s