I am sitting alone in my house right now. Waiting. Waiting to understand how I got to here. I am feeling shitty, and out-of-place, in my own house.
My husband and I had an argument over money, which is probably normal, but what’s not normal is how I feel right now. One time today he told me if we broke up that he would he okay (life-wise/money-wise). Another time (during an argument) he told me that the money in the house was coming from him…and him only.
Both of which are true.
If we broke up, I would have no life. Nothing to call my mine, but the clothes on my back. I also don’t contribute to any of the bills. I sometimes buy food with the little paycheck I do get…once a month.
My mental illness has set me so far back, I feel like I have nothing of my own. I don’t have anything to say “I paid for that” or “I achieved this” in my life. It really sucks because before in my life I was the bread-winner. Ms. Independent. Now.. I’m mrs-got-nothing-at-all.
Finding a job is hard right now because I am waiting for my body to be clean of marijuana, and in my area there are no decent jobs. I have been on a couple of interviews, but I am not hopefully, at all. All I can think about when I think about employment is “Is my mind going to fuck this up again?”.
Now, my husband thinks I’m going to hold what he said over his head for life, but I’m not. I’m going to hold it over mine.
I feel like the biggest loser ever. I feel like I was never accomplish anything. I feel so shitty. I feel so broke down. I feel so unable.