Feeling worthless.

I am sitting alone in my house right now. Waiting. Waiting to understand how I got to here. I am feeling shitty, and out-of-place, in my own house.

My husband and I had an argument over money, which is probably normal, but what’s not normal is how I feel right now. One time today he told me if we broke up that he would he okay (life-wise/money-wise). Another time (during an argument) he told me that the money in the house was coming from him…and him only.

Both of which are true.

If we broke up, I would have no life. Nothing to call my mine, but the clothes on my back. I also don’t contribute to any of the bills. I sometimes buy food with the little paycheck I do get…once a month.

My mental illness has set me so far back, I feel like I have nothing of my own. I don’t have anything to say “I paid for that” or “I achieved this” in my life. It really sucks because before in my life I was the bread-winner. Ms. Independent. Now.. I’m mrs-got-nothing-at-all.

Mrs-what-the-hell-am-I-doing-at-all.

Finding a job is hard right now because I am waiting for my body to be clean of marijuana, and in my area there are no decent jobs. I have been on a couple of interviews, but I am not hopefully, at all. All I can think about when I think about employment is “Is my mind going to fuck this up again?”.

Now, my husband thinks I’m going to hold what he said over his head for life, but I’m not. I’m going to hold it over mine.

I feel like the biggest loser ever. I feel like I was never accomplish anything. I feel so shitty. I feel so broke down. I feel so unable.

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11 thoughts on “Feeling worthless.

  1. Something that has helped me find direction and protection is W.R.A.P. developed by Mary Ellen Copeland when she was on welfare with no where to turn. Google it. Wellness Recovey Action Plan. I have one, and I’m a certified facilitator of it. You organize all your wellness tools that work for you, figure which ones you have to do daily, look at your triggers and figure out action plans so they don’t make you feel so bad, examine how things look when they are breaking down and make action plans for that so things get better not worse, and also you create a crisis plan just in case, where you name everything that will happen, who will help,who will not, how long, where, when, etc… if you ever get hospitalized. Anways it’s a lot of work but it is another tool I use to keep well.

  2. I found your blog because you liked my post on suicide yesterday. Please know that as alone and terrible as you might feel, things always change. Do what you can. Do not feel worthless. You made me smile by liking my post and isn’t that kind of amazing? Hang in there. Mental illness can suck you under, but you can come up again.

  3. You are not worthless! As soon as you arrived into this world you had value just because you existed. Societal pushes that stamp people successful or not is B.S. Don’t get caught up in how much you are worth based on how much you provide. That might be the notion of people around you. You’re special. Yes special. Your mental illness has given you a unique picture of the world. At times when I’m feeling funky I take a page from Alice Walkers book: I may be poor, I may be black, I may be ugly …. but dear God I’m here, I’m here!

  4. You are not alone. I have no idea how big this community is, but regardless the size there are people here. People who understand and have the same issues. I do have a job.
    But I sit in my office feeling completely alone. I go out to the rest of my staff, surrounded by people and feel completely alone. It’s a hard thing to love with…
    Right now I’m alone in the room I rented. Alone because I was forced to separate from my wife and family. my issues with bipolar ripped through my loved ones and now I’m forced to deal with the problems I’ve caused.
    Get help. Your husband is hurt as was my wife. Friends, loved ones, and doctors are there to help.

    • Thanks.
      Thanks so much for that.
      It just so hard to see anything good in front of you when it seems to be raining all the time.
      I’m sorry about your situation. I’m sorry that mental illness both has us so bad.

      Thanks again. Stay strong, my friend!

Rant on, my friends!

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