Here is goes again…
My brain keeps telling me one thing, when I KNOW I should be doing another. I got a job! Woo hoo! I’m working at a small coffee place in my town. Its not much, but its a job. I’m actually making $7.25, which sucks because I am a college grad with student loans/bills/needs, but it’s a start.
The bad thing is… my mind is already sailing on a yacht with Beyonce and Jay-Z. I haven’t even received my first paycheck and I’m going to BORA BORA! My mind is thinking about owning my own business, vacations, saving money, stocks, bonds, etc, etc, etc.. I’ve even went to the library and checked out Personal Finance and Business books.
The only reason I’ve slowed down is because I told my fiance that I wanted to own my own business, and he kind of flipped. He told me that we can’t plan for anything, AT ALL, because of the money situation we are in. He deflated my mind, and now..
It’s pretty bad, the way my mind works. How am I spending invisible money? Is this apart of my disease? or this is just another cycle of my bad spending/saving habits?
Are my money issues…bipolar issues?
There something else I’ve noticed though, which I bet a billion people have noticed about themselves as well… well, there are two things…
1. I hate working. Anything that involves my time, doing something I don’t really like, I HATE HATE HATE it and dread going back. Every job I’ve ever had where it didn’t have all of me, I’ve hated and quit.
2. If I don’t obsess over where my money should/would/needs to go I feel like I don’t have a purpose to work. This is silly because when I DIDN’T have a job I was crying about needing money, needing purpose, and then when I get a job it’s not good enough.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!? WHAT IS WRONG!!!
Is my work ethic horrible? Have I had so many jobs in my life that I don’t see lucky enough to have it? Why am I so much in my mind and nothing in my actions?
I blame society, bipolar, myself, and my mom…and I’ll probably never get an answer..
p.s. THANKS FOR THE BDAY WISHES!! YAY FOR THAT!
Bipolar, Unemployed & Lost 
The bad thing is… my mind is already sailing on a yacht with Beyonce and Jay-Z. I haven’t even received my first paycheck and I’m going to BORA BORA!
OK now this cracked me the hell up. I think the grandiose thinking, plus the rapid thoughts are definitely a bipolar thing. I do the same thing. Playing armchair shrink, you seem to be cycling up – probably because you’re excited about the new job.
I’ve been doing that lately. The trick is to entertain those thoughts. Not indulge them. And definitely don’t share them. Let the thoughts go wild in your head. If it gets overwhelming, write them down.
Don’t tell your fiance or anyone you know personally about your wild thoughts and plans. Keep them in your head or on disposable paper.
Also, if you think you’re cycling too far up, call the shrink. A week on Zyprexa can bring you back down to reality. 🙂
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For me, I have accepted the spending, etc. as part of my bipolar disorder. No matter how much, or how little I’ve ever earned I still ended up living paycheck to paycheck. I couldn’t imagine going back to work right now. I’m grateful that my pdoc agrees with me.
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