Perfect employment in an un-perfect mind.

I’m in a really weird place right now.

All I can think about it is finding employment, but I also have my relationship to think about. Quitting my job has put a really big ‘ouch’ between my fiance and I. He is now the only person with a job, in turn means he’s only grown up in our house. This has happened before. About two years ago I got fired from a job, and I was unemployed for 6 months before I found another. I remember then that our relationship was a little rocky then.

I want to find a job. To help pick up my slack, but I don’t want to not follow through with it because of my BP, or my ability to hate a job in 6+ months (which is a rare, stupid gift I have). I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to be stable, money in the bank, driving my OWNED car, and wearing my big girl pants. What happen to my BIG GIRL PANTS?!

How can I get right? Does anyone have any advice for me? Or am I just over-thinking, like I usually do? Is a job the main reason for my happiness?

Whenever I have a job, I get right back into old habits: not saving, spending too much, being a star employee, downward spiral of “i-hate-this”, becoming a bad employee, quitting/fired. You might say that I go through a whole cycle of MANIA, and then a cycle of DEPRESSION before the quit/fired phase.

With a job, I feel in control, empowered, and busy. Without, I feel unmotivated, shitty, and mean… if a job gives me all that, what do I do without it? How do I find the great feelings without employment? Can I? Will I? In the recent issue of BP Magazine, an article called “What WORK works for you” they say:

“The heightened creativity and energy of hypomania can lead to distractibility and ultimate loss of productivity, while full-blown mania may cause a worker to become disruptive, aggressive and prone to errors in judgment.

And research suggests the fatigue, irritability, and inability to concentrate in a depressive phase can hurt job performance even more. A review of nine studies involving more than 3,000 people, published online on August 6, 2012 in the Journal of Affective Disorders, found that cognitive deficits and depressive symptoms were predictive of unemployment.

So, this isn’t me, right? It’s the BP! So, how do I explain that to my fiance, my family, my friends, hell, what about my next employer? Do I tell them?

These questions are making my head spin-off. I wish this was easier, and that there wasn’t so much running through my mind.

P.s. I never gave you what my perfect job would be. I thinking putting it down in words will bring it to life. My perfect job would be:

  • Traveling around the globe
  • Meeting people
  • Working my own hours
  • Talking about something that I love, can relate to, or good for world

How hard is that? Seriously…

2 thoughts on “Perfect employment in an un-perfect mind.

  1. I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been unemployed now for nearly a year. I’ve always been the breadwinner in the family, the one who makes the money, has the health insurance. Now I can’t pay for COBRA anymore, I’m starting to live off credit cards and can’t afford my medicines. Doing my taxes won’t even help because unemployment doesn’t take enough out to cover taxes so we will probably owe. I don’t know what I’m doing either. At least you know what you want in a job. I can’t even get that far. 😦


    • Monday, maybe we need to start a company for mental illness persons. We’d have as many days off as we like, a anger room for people who are in rage, and we can sell something cool – like chocolate. lol


Rant on, my friends!

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